Who Cares Which Came First?
by The December Project
Summary: Combine one evil substitute teacher with twelve eggs in a large bowl. Mix with one part Rukia. What do you get? Either a lovely casserole or the worst week of Ichigo's life. This time: Uncle Byakuya visits his nephews! Chaos and interior decorating ensue.
1. Death Comes Swift Upon Chicken's Wings

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!**

Isabella (The December Project)

_NOTES…_

_On the writing of this story_: This story was partially inspired by true events. Poor April… She's a bad mommy. The rest was planned in one night of sugar, revelry and music. There were casualties. But I got my comedy inspiration back! This is the result. Hope you like! First and foremost, this is a story, so not every line is screamingly funny, it's more "smiley face" than "rofl". Does that make sense?

_On the timeline_: This should be considered really AU. Timeline is around… recent…ish… in the manga, but I don't plan on having any spoilers. I really screwed with some stuff. (I imported Hinamori and exported a few others probably cause I couldn't write them even sort of IC.) Don't ask. Just take it at face value.

_On dedications_: The first chapter to my coauthors and partners in crime, April and Lyssa. Thanks for laughing.

_On you pressing the review button_: I'm not blackmailing anyone for reviews. I hate when people do that. If I gave you a smile, consider returning the favor. I like to have at least one review for every chapter so I don't feel like I'm writing for nothing, but people are pretty generous… usually. Thanks in advance.

_On me owning Bleach_: Le sigh. Not yet.

_On OOCness_: Yes. I am personally responsible for all these people being out of character. I admit it. I'm sorry. Bleach can be really hard in the way of capturing characters because they seem pretty complex to me. I'm just asking you to be gentle with me, I guess. Flames burn my confidence. I'm fragile.

_On the pairings_: Irony! I said "I'll make it random. Go my daringness!" So I pick the eight, I put boys and girls in alphabetical order, match those and… totally expected pairings. Ooh! Foreshadowing? I hope so… Anyway, here's what popped out.

Chapter I: Death Comes Swift Upon Chicken's Wings

_Please, no. Anything but this!_ He was numb with terror, as if someone had taken his own Zanpakuto and shoved it through his throat… then clowns came and beat him with balloon animals until he was twitching on the ground… then he was dropped off a hundred-story building into an ocean of other… scary… things. He read it again.

'Home Economics Final Project'

So far so good. Big, flowing letters in the font of a teacher who had written it too many times before. Same old chalkboard that had once listed notes on nutrition and consumerism. That was when it was safe… but now… There was only disaster.

He scanned the room in thinly veiled desperation, hoping that there was someone who would be willing to allay his fears… or set fire to the school for a quick escape. He found Rukia first. He figured she was more likely to do the latter.

Rukia was busy drawing her bunnies at the moment. (Though in Ichigo's opinion, every day they were looking less like animals and more like the bastard children of a bear and a hollow.) She probably either hadn't read the board or didn't understand it. No help there. She would finish her 'masterpiece' if the world was falling down around her.

Orihime was chatting with Tatsuki and looking particularly giddy. Tatsuki rolled her eyes, but smiled. _Women._ How could anyone be excited about this? And was Inoue ever looking excited… She gave him a quick glance. Yeah. That was enough to know that she'd be no help now. Another loss to maternal urges.

Ishida seemed to be trying to stare a hole through the back of Renji's bobbing head. He obviously couldn't see over the mass of red hair. Ignorance was bliss. And Renji himself was… sleeping. Not dozing, but dead asleep on his hand, drooling all over the desk as he snored.

Hitsugaya was religiously taking down notes. As if being considered a genius in his own world wasn't enough. Though, notably, he was writing a little bit harder each time Hinamori leaned over to talk to her 'Shiro-chan.' Had everyone lost it today?

No one was coming to his aid. Ichigo read on.

'Family Structure: Caring for a Child'

He knew what that meant. A week of emasculation as some girl giggled and made cute faces at their 'baby'. A week of caring for some inanimate object and getting graded for _degrading_ himself. He came to the conclusion that whoever came up with this was a sadist. Or a woman. Same difference. And the choice of partners was looking a bit on the slim side.

Options:

a. Inoue Orihime would surely get an A. She was just so… estrogen-y. All over the place. Like her hair… her face… her- Focus. There would probably be some unnecessary snuggling/mauling and talk of little babies and… cooking. NOOOOO! Option terminated.

b. Arisawa Tatsuki would probably land him a failing grade. She was hardly the loving mother type. Not that she wasn't… _endearing_ in her own way, but she'd probably just lose the sack within two hours. Or beat her partner to a bloody pulp for not taking better care of it. He liked Tatsuki, but parenting was just out of the equation. Option terminated.

c. Hinamori Momo would- no. Hitsugaya would kill him before he considered saying a word to her. Option terminated.

d. Kuchiki… Option terminated.

_It doesn't get much worse than this._

How wrong the poor idiot was.

_She_ came hulking in. Nomura Yoko. Her reputation preceded her. She was known as the cruelest, most vicious substitute teacher ever to walk the halls of a school.

She was about one hundred twenty pounds of unadulterated, twice-divorced evil, pushing her glasses up to get a better look at her victims. Ichigo could practically feel the crosshairs aimed at him. A smile twisted onto her face, resembling a grinch who had just successfully stolen Christmas and was now gleefully strangling kittens. Forget three sizes too small. Tragically, Nomura-san was born without a heart.

Behind her, two unwilling volunteers were carrying bags of egg cartons. They looked petrified. One was crying.

And that was how the entire fiasco began. It was the beginning of a week of suffering, anxiety and inevitable failure for Kurosaki Ichigo.

://.end chapter

Endnotes: Please review!


	2. Casualties of the Great Debate

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!**

Isabella (The December Project)

_NOTES…_

_On the writing of this chapter_: Wow! I really didn't expect so many reviews (or so many people actually reading my author's notes). Many, many thanks. Hmm… so the concept's a little stale? I've just been skimming the more recent fic pages. Guess I didn't notice. Here's hoping I can make it a little bit original…

_On dedications_: The second chapter to Mrs. Love, my seventh grade teacher, who would put Nomura-sensei to shame with her crazy projects…

_On you pressing the review button_: Always appreciate it! I don't mean to blackmail anybody into reviewing, it's not at all my intent. I'd just appreciate at least one review to tell me someone's reading. That's enough incentive to keep going. And judging by the first chapter, I don't think that will be a problem.

_On me owning Bleach_: I'm on the waiting list after hell freezes over. Until then, curse you Kubo Tite!

Chapter II: Casualties of the Great Debate

"I trust you've read the board. I'll be giving you partners now."

A few girls were grinning suspiciously. A few boys were planning their living wills. One teacher was cackling in delight as she read down the list. Ichigo estimated that at this rate, his time of death was in about four minutes. 4:00:00

"Abarai Renji and…"

Renji was staring evenly at her, a glare firmly fixed on his face. There weren't many ways this could end well for him. Ichigo vowed to remember him after he became a casualty. And maybe to ask Renji if he could have his full hair gel collection. Who else needed it anyway, Byakuya? 3:45:04.

"…Arisawa Tatsuki."

Renji flinched. Tatsuki rolled her eyes. Ichigo felt somewhat relieved. A few more victims were called. 1:54:27.

"Hitsugaya Toushiro and…"

Cold as ice.

"…Hinamori Momo."

'Mr. Cool' blushed and collapsed into a graceless heap on the desk. Hinamori giggled. Like he would have tolerated anyone else. 1:25:16.

"Ishida Uryuu and…"

He stared unflinchingly at the list, almost as if he willed it to burst into flames.

"Ishii Kita."

He sighed in relief. Safe… The woman's eyes narrowed dangerously. Ishida made the worst blunder of his life in glancing over at Orihim at that very moment to count his blessings.

"Wait, my mistake… Inoue Orihime."

Inoue grinned. Ishida read the board again quickly. He glanced at Inoue again. She waved excitedly. And then he froze. Apparently, something inside of Ishida Uryuu had just imploded.

0:3:00… 0:2:00… 0:01:00…

"Kurosaki Ichigo and…"

_Please… Let something blow up… let the roof collapse…_ And all with complete aloofness to the world on his face. Nothing flustered Kurosaki. He scowled at the substitute teacher. Nothing could possibly prevent him from successfully completing this project. Nothing was going to avert him from his goal of-

"…Kuchiki Rukia."

_Dear God, NOOOOOOO!_

Oh, yeah. Completely calm.

Rukia didn't looked up at the sound of her name. He looked over at her, furiously scribbling at the paper. Time seemed to have stopped. 'The scowl' couldn't save him now. Somewhere, some antichrist was getting a long laugh out of the look of utter horror that passed across Ichigo's face. Rukia didn't blink at him.

And so ended the promising young life of Kurosaki Ichigo.

In the end, total victims had come to half the class. Namely, the male half. Ichigo surveyed the casualties with sympathy, most of all for himself. _Let the humiliation commence._

One at a time, the groups marched up to retrieve their eggs. Tatsuki ripped the carton off the desk, and in the process, elbowed Renji in the stomach, effectively knocking the wind out of him. She briefly apologized, but the fact was, Arisawa Tatsuki was not happy. And judging from the alternating wince and glare Renji shot back at her, neither was he.

Hitsugaya was strutting and Hinamori was bashfully shuffling up to the desk when Nomura hurled the carton at them. There was a tragic shattering of shells which left the pair standing in an ocean of yolk. Hinamori was already in tears. Her partner looked about ready to perform a very long and nasty list of deadly techniques. The only reason he hadn't moved was that Hitsugaya could not decide which one to use. Nomura rolled her eyes unsympathetically, then handed over another dozen.

"The egg slayer" as a few quickly took to calling her, continued on in the fashion of a major league pitcher hurling the boxes at unsuspecting parents.

Ishida was quick to catch their dozen with an almighty leap across three desks. Before he was sent to the nurse, he was given detention for getting blood on the floor. Inoue scuttled out the door behind him, fretting apologetically.

"Finished!" Rukia announced excitedly, just loud enough to be heard by everything with functioning ears within a five mile radius. Her bunny slash Quasimodo project smiled morbidly from the page, almost as oblivious as she was to their impending fate.

Ichigo cringed as he stood. He not-so-subtly directed her to do the same. She followed him up to the desk. The teacher slammed the carton into his hands. He returned to his seat. That wasn't so bad.

"I don't see what you were so upset about." Rukia proceeded to scold him. "After all, I have a perfect grade in this class. If anyone can save you from failure…"

Ichigo was trying to repress the urge to grab her and explain, in vivid, horrific, blood chilling detail, just how doomed they really were.

He pulled out an egg to demonstrate. "See Rukia, this is an egg."

She looked a bit bewildered. "That's not quite what the eggs I enjoy look like."

"That's because the ones you like have been smashed open, fried and scrambled. And that's how we're going to end up if we don't save every last one of them." He placed it on the desk.

Rukia looked horrified. She, Rukia Kuchiki, was a murderer. A cold-blooded killer of these innocent, round, white creatures. Ichigo felt a little sympathy when her eyes got wide and wet. He canned that thought when he remembered that the last time she'd made those eggs, he'd ended up with a kick in the shin and a kitchen full of dirty dishes.

Nomura walked around the room with those hawk eyes peeled for signs of life. She found it in the last row where Ichigo was rather graphically demonstrating the ways an egg could be mauled, annihilated or otherwise violently destroyed.

The egg slayer found her prey. She moved slowly across the room, until she was beside Ichigo's desk. A careful sway of the hip ensured that the egg got moving off the sloped surface. Ichigo and Rukia watched helplessly as it slowly rolled away, dropped through the air, and landed with a nauseating crack.

Rukia screamed. "My baby!"

"Oops." The teacher crooned. "So sorry, Kuchiki-san. Maybe you shouldn't trust the daddy so much."

Renji cocked an eyebrow at them and shook his head. Couldn't they all just get along? Couldn't the carnage stop? Couldn't- Tatsuki "accidentally" elbowed him in the face. All hell broke loose.

Eggs and obscenities flew across the room. Ichigo took their carton and crept out the door with Rukia just as the bell rung. He looked at the lighter carton. One down, eleven to go. "We're so screwed."

/.end chapter

Endnotes: Poor Ichi… just can't catch a break. If you bothered to read this far, perhaps you wouldn't mind a quick review?


	3. Bringing Home Babies Or Ingredients

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!**

Isabella (The December Project)

_On the writing of this chapter_: So many lovely reviews, you're all wonderful! I've never had such a well-recieved story before. I will most certainly be updating much more often hopefully from now until the end of the story. I had no idea there was such a huge gap between the first two chapters. Oops. I'll be better.  
Here's an extra-long chapter for you.

_On dedications_: The third chapter to my family, who just might love my cooking more than me. Hehe.

_On you pressing the review button_: See the previous chapters. I can't ask for more. You guys are awesome.

_On me owning Bleach_: Like I could ever handle that job…

Chapter III: Bringing Home Babies. . . or Ingredients

"You're crushing them." Accusation.

"Me? We lost one already thanks to your neglect!" Defense.

"That wasn't my faul-! Ow! …Bitch." Offence. Resignation.

The four steps of fighting with Kuchiki Rukia.

She ended the conversation with a quick kick, as usual. The great and noble lady Rukia was displeased. She clutched the eggs to her chest protectively, eying Ichigo suspiciously. The egg-killer would not be easily deterred. She must protect the innocents!

He returned the scowl that 'Mother Hen Rukia' was flashing him. He really hadn't expected her to be so… enthusiastic about this. He opened the door slowly. He stopped halfway. This was such a bad idea… Rukia raised an eyebrow at him. This time she was actually planning to spend the week here. Invited, not the "victim of circumstance" she was before.

Still, if Isshin saw his favorite third daughter in the house… disaster would be swift in forthcoming to his son's Economics grade.

The door slammed open the rest of the way. Ichigo took a deep breath, grabbed Rukia by the wrist and made a run for it. "I'm home we'll be up in my room working we're not hungry don't bother us." Ichigo hollered in one breath.

He tossed his companion into the room and slammed the door behind him. Nope. That wasn't suspicious. At all.

"Nii-chan! He's coming!"

Rumble… rumble… the sound of still more impending doom as footsteps scaled the stairs.

Ichigo had a moment to say a final prayer before the door slammed open, sending him flying into the opposite wall. "Ichigo has brought home his first woman! Papa is so proud!"

Kurosaki Isshin. Always a pleasure. He had gladly convinced himself that Ichigo and Rukia's pairing was purely the hand of fate, rather than the iron fist of Nomura. Obviously, it meant that they were destined to be married.

"Kurosaki-sensei!" Rukia covered with a blindingly stunning smile before glancing nervously at the smoking crater in the wall that was Ichigo. She briefly wondered if being a single mother would increase her grade any.

"Ah, Rukia-chan! Papa has missed you since you last stayed with us." Isshin gave her a smile that could have turned a boulder into a puddle of gravel pudding. "You'll be here for the week?"

"Yes, sir." She smiled again.

Ichigo crawled out of a would-be early grave in just enough time to repress a wave of nausea at the two looking so adorably at each other. They were like those puppies at a pet store who were all smiles until you got them home. Then they peed on your manga, ate your CDs and curled up in bed with your favorite shoes in their mouths. Gross.

Isshin leaned over and whispered into his future daughter-in-law's ear. For a minute, Ichigo was afraid his father was completely incinerating the last shreds of Rukia's innocence. Luckily, he could think fast enough to save her from a few horrific images. "Me and Rukia have to work on this project. Alone."

"Oh!" Isshin slyly winked at his son in the way only a pervert could and skipped away. Somehow, it seemed way too easy.

"Great. Now maybe we can come up with a plan to- What are you doing?"

Rukia was shuffling through his closet, pulling down a few month's accumulation of clothing, books and papers. She was clearing off her shelf. "Your father told me that Karin and Yuzu's room is all full… of pillows." Ichigo was quite sure he heard the shuffle of his father dragging the entire pillow population of the house into Karin and Yuzu's room just to make his son uncomfortable. "I'll have to stay in here… do you have a problem with that?" The last line was spoken in the flawless voice of the ice princess. He knew not to mess with that. Usually.

Unfortunately, today was no one of those days when Ichigo's brain was at full function. "I'm sure we can find room. I don't really appreciate my clothes all over the floor and for the love of all that is good and holy, leave that alone!"

"Dinner!" Yuzu called up the steps.

The two stopped dead in their tracks. Two full seconds passed as they stared longingly at the door. To suffer the family dinner with the father Kurosaki or to miss out on Yuzu's unbelievable cooking? That was the question. Ichigo's stomach grumbled. What a stupid question.

They bolted for the door, scrambled down the stairs and unceremoniously sat down and began digging in. Rukia shoveled enough food down her throat to feed a small army (she had been sure to announce that she was "eating for twelve" before the meal began). Ichigo suddenly began to lose steam. There was something in the stir fry. Something fluffy and yellow-white.

His cheeks full of food, he asked the million dollar question: "Yuzu, where did you get the eggs?"

Yuzu smiled brightly at her brother. "Well what kind of question is that? You _did_ bring them home for me. I asked you to this morning, remember?"

Ichigo swallowed hard. His fluffy white children of vengeance clung to the inside of his throat. Rukia stopped abruptly, then burst into a fit of hysterical tears and fled the table. Isshin and Yuzu followed her quickly, leaving Karin staring unsympathetically at her suffocating brother.

Slowly, she stood, walked behind him and gave him a hard smack to the back of the head. His food went flying all over the table. "Way to ruin another dinner, Ichi-nii." Karin mumbled as she retreated back to her now fluffy fortress of solitude.

Ichigo collapsed into a heap of misery, staring at the massacre before him. Six days to go. Oh, joy.

/.end chapter

End notes: Nothing left to say but hope you enjoyed it. Chapter four is on the way soon.


	4. Chappy II's Eggcelent Adventure

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!**

Isabella (The December Project)

_NOTES..._

_On the writing of this chapter_: Not much to say. These are really taking forever. They do say "dying is easy, comedy is hard," don't they? You've been warned, Anyway, thanks so much for all your amazing encouragement. This is why I love you.  
Sorry this one is lacking a bit in the humor department. I had to work some story in somewhere. :P

_On dedications_: The fourth chapter to awesome reviewers and the "few" of you fluff-lovers out there.

_On you pressing the review button_: See the previous chapters. I can't ask for more. You guys are awesome.

_On me owning Bleach_: Poor Ichigo would be even more tortured than he is now if I owned Bleach. No one wants that! Save the Ichigos and never let me own Bleach!

Chapter IV: Chappy II's Egg-celent Adventure in Rukia's Shirt

Hours later, Rukia had finally recovered from her second act of filicide of the day and was finally asleep in her closet. She'd taken hours to calm herself enough to finally drift off. She had decimated three full tissue boxes before collapsing. Ichigo wondered if girls just retained more water and had to find some way to release it all at once. That might explain the phenomenon. Rukia could have been her own personal fire department.

If nothing else, he was smart enough to know not to deal with an emotional woman, especially where her "babies" were involved. Only after she was out cold did Ichigo dare extract the eggs from her grasp.

The white egg carton was luminous on his desk, glowing in the moonlight out of reach of dangerous teachers and hungry sisters. Now if only he could get them out of Rukia's reach. That shouldn't be too hard, since he estimated her height at around four feet. The problem was, she was a conniving, evil, maniacal genius. If she wanted them, she'd get them.

Only ten of their twelve remained. If they were careful, they could still probably pass. Maybe he could sell his soul to Nomura for a C.

Finally, Ichigo gladly took the opportunity to collapse onto his bed and stretch lazily. Life was always a little bit more difficult with Rukia around. Maybe it wasn't all bad. At least he slept better. Exhaustion could do that to a guy.

He settled down at long last and drifted off to dreams of terrifying chickens and a more terrifying midget shinigami.

Rukia woke hours later and looked around the room, stopping to gaze guiltily at the carton on the desk. It was making her sick just to think about her poor lost baby. She had named him Chappy IV. All her babies had names, including the first casualty, Mr. Happy Pants. There was even Ichigo, Jr.

Ichigo, Jr. was the one that looked the grumpiest. She called him a "bad egg," mostly because when Ichigo and Renji had decided to fight their ultimate battle (of bad egg puns), Kuchiki Rukia had been listening intently.

She slowly made her way to the desk, careful not to disturb Ichigo, Sr. She opened the box and ran her fingers over the smooth, cool surfaces of the ten remaining eggs.

She lifted out Chappy II. He was closest to Chappy IV and obviously in great pain. After a good five minutes of cooing at the distraught egg, she decided it was time for both of them to go back to sleep. Lucky she had such quiet babies. Inoue had warned her that often new mothers couldn't sleep through the night.

Her phone, sitting closest to Ichigo's head, gave a deafening chirp. Then another.

Ichigo sat up quickly. If he caught her with one of those eggs, he would surely employ one of the vicious methods of death that could befall the eggs to destroy her. She could see it now. Rukia… sunny-side up.

Rukia panicked and shoved the egg down her shirt. Kon had never in his life been so jealous of another inanimate object. Of course, there was no time or means for him to complain as Ichigo shoved a hand down the stuffed lion's throat to fish out the pill that would free him from his body.

Rukia, on the other hand, couldn't seem to find any means to do the same.

"Come on, Rukia." Ichigo hissed, crouched in his window. He jerked his head in the direction of the hollow. "Don't bother."

Since several months ago, when Ichigo had accidentally taken out half of the city's most prominent building ("It came out of nowhere!" he'd argued.), Yamamoto-taichou had ordered that Rukia must accompany him to supervise. That didn't mean she actually had to help.

She hesitantly climbed onto his back and the two were off into the night.

It didn't take long before they happened upon the hollow in question. It was wildly chasing a young woman down the street. She quickly jumped behind a dumpster as Ichigo landed lightly between woman and hollow. Rukia climbed off of his back and stood impatiently by the sidewalk.

"What do you think, Rukia?" Ichigo called back with a smirk on his face. They'd had a running game for a few weeks.

"Five," she answered smugly.

He looked mildly insulted. "One would be easier, but five it is." Ichigo jumped after the hollow. The first crescent arc slashed through the monster's arm. It howled furiously and came back more fiercely than before. Kind of like Rukia.

Damn. He should really focus. He tried to put Nomura's face on the hollow, but pure evil just couldn't seem to fit into any other form. Not to mention, he knew he'd have this hollow's ass whipped in three seconds flat if not for the rules of the game.

Anyway, he figured that cutting a teacher's head in half would definitely be on the list of "Things That _Might_ Get You Expelled," right between breaking into the girls room to steal panties and dressing up as the mascot to spray-paint rap songs onto the principal's car.

"That's one. Speed it up!" Rukia hollered impatiently.

The hollow whipped its bony tail and growled. Ichigo took all of two seconds to give him an identical matching wound in the opposite arm. "Two."

The third slice cut through his chest. The hollow stomped a huge foot, sending the entire ally shaking. "Thr-" The frightened woman bolted out from behind the dumpster with a small shriek. The monster caught sight of her in less than a step.

The razor-sharp tail shot at its prey. Ichigo was too preoccupied with an arm to see the tail. Rukia caught it first. As she pushed the dark-haired lady back behind the dumpster, the stray appendage caught her in the chest.

With a sickening crack, she collided with the opposite wall. Only then did her companion notice. With one furious stroke, he cut the hollow's mask clear in half. In one more stride, he had reached her.

"Rukia?"

She laid still against the wall.

"Rukia!"

There was no answer.

/.end chapter

Endnotes: Ooh, suspense. Sorry for a bit of a cliff hanger, but honestly, it's a comedy and do you really think I would hurt my lovely Rukia? Drop a line, tell me if you enjoyed it.


	5. Five Rules for Fatherly Fulfillment

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!**

Isabella (The December Project)

NOTES:

_On the writing of this chapter_: The first half of this took forever. I don't know why. Isshin is almost impossible for me to write, but leaving the only parental figure in all of Bleach out just seemed wrong. I love him, but he's very difficult to nail down.Of course, everything else seemed to fall into place. I wrote the lase full page of this story in about twenty minutes. I was inspired tonight.

_On dedications_: The fifth chapter to the parents, who let us lazy people spend hours on these computers, slaving away at our masterpieces. And to poor Ichigo, who spends much of this chapter between a wall and a hard place.

_On you pressing the review button_: See the previous chapters. I can't ask for more. You guys are awesome.

_On me owning Bleach_: Tragically, I still do not own Bleach. I called six months ago to tell Kubo Tite that I did. I'm still on hold.

Chapter V: Papa's Five Rules for Fatherly Fulfillment

For about thirty seconds, Rukia did not move. All she could think of was what would happen when she opened her eyes. But Ichigo was beginning to sound worried.

He was leaned over her awkwardly, half shaking her. Ichigo had obviously been dropped on his head as a child. The result was a terrible destruction of the part of his brain controlling subtlety. And he was doing a damn good job of trying to give her a matching mental disability.

She slowly opened one eye.

"Rukia, are you okay?" His scowl hadn't completely returned.

"I'm fine."

"No you're not, you moron. You're bleeding."

She stopped, then thought about the best way to go about breaking the news to the father. "I'm fine, Ichigo. Really."

"Then how do you explain what's all over your clothes?"

There was a pause during which Ichigo seemed to run through several plausible theories and, as usual, came up empty.

"Chappy II," Rukia whispered.

…

Ichigo stalked into the house and slammed his door open, a very bad idea at one o'clock in the morning. He learned this when a sleepy Yuzu emerged from her room and rather viciously nailed him with a teddy bear that he would later swear was filled with rocks or other girly things of doom and destruction that were forbidden to the males of the species. That, or maybe Kon planning some well-timed revenge for once.

Either way, he returned to bed with a nasty headache and a number of new obscenities directed at his home ec partner and her maternal instincts.

With his cause lost, he crashed into bed to resume the vicious egg-themed nightmares.

…

He awoke to the smell of some kind of nasty aftershave and coffee breath. "Hello, Clarice!" Isshin chirped way too cheerfully. Damn those import movies. Ichigo was sure he had accidentally committed sleep suicide and had ended up in hell.

He'd much rather chew aluminum foil to the sound of nails on a chalkboard for the rest of eternity than spend it with his father. The foil was slightly less grating.

Oh, cruel fate, thy name was Kurosaki.

He groaned and rolled over in time to land a fist in the face, which woke him up very quickly. "What the hell was that for, you crazy old man?" Ichigo was not in the mood.

"Where is your woman, son? Papa misses his lovely Rukia-chan."

"Hell if I know."

Isshin looked crushed, then began to cry. "She didn't even say goodbye! Why must you ruin our blossoming relationship?" he howled at his son.

Ichigo was already to his closet, looking for something to wear. He turned with a rather unimpressed expression. "Your _'blossoming relationship_'?"

"Papa was going to ask Rukia-chan to live with us forever! Surely, you would have been married, but now where will I ever get a grandchild? "

Ichigo rolled his eyes and turned back to the closet, pulling out the nearest shirt. He _really_ wasn't in the mood.

Isshin executed plan 48-B: Paternal Wings of Righteousness Crash Upon Large Head of Foolish Son. Plan 48-B sent Ichigo's head and most of his upper body through his closet door.

"Now," his father began again, "these feelings you have are very natural. In fact, I am proud of my son for acknowledging his love for Rukia-chan."

Briefly, Ichigo had considered leaving his head lodged between a wall and a much more uncomfortable fate, but he could only drown out his father for so long. At first, he did nothing.

"Love for… Rukia?" He thought on it for a moment. "Rukia?" Another moment. "Ruki-" He couldn't help it. He laughed. Forehead smashed against the wall, he tried to snort back the sheer absurdity of his father's suggestion. And then it was gone. "Why would I love a sadistic, evil little midget of a shi- uh… girl?"

And then he heard the sound. It was a strange but quite familiar sound. It was the lovely roar of a bus full of squishy, sensitive, fragile feelings hurdling down at him with no brakes. And maybe it was on fire. "You insensitive jerk!" Rukia stomped straight past the doorway and put on a huge show of tears to boot.

It was at that particular moment that Kurosaki Ichigo realized that Rukia was trying- no, succeeding in, completely destroying him. "Bitch."

It was at _that_ particular moment that Kurosaki Isshin realized he had a right- no, an obligation, to teach his emotionally stunted son how to win the heart of his fair maiden. "You see Ichigo, you broke rule number two: thou shall not insult a pretty lady, but get her number."

The poor boy had nowhere to go, so he just prayed that Rukia would come back and enact the sinister plan he was sure she was already concocting right down the hall.

Sensing no reaction from his son other than blind horror that yes, he actually was trapped, Isshin prodded, "Aren't you going to ask what the rules are?"

"No."

"Don't you want to reconcile with Rukia-chan?"

"…no…" He had broken the second rule of "Ichigo's Five Rules for Dealing with an Idiot Father."

1. If approached by said creature, ignore and try to escape into an open space.  
2. If this fails, maintain a sarcastic and impenetrable front. Never hesitate. Never verbally engage.  
3. Employ physical violence if necessary.  
4. Repeat steps 1 through 3. Attempt a more powerful form of physical violence. Weapons of Mass destruction may be advisable. If these steps are unsuccessful, see step 5.  
5. Good luck, you poor bastard. You're going to need it.

Sensing the hesitation, Isshin went in for the kill. "Since I have your attention, I will inform you how to win back your lady love, my son. Isn't it romantic?"

Ichigo made a muffled sound that Isshin translated as either "No! Please kill me now," or "Why yes, wise and noble father, please teach me your ways." Ichigo resorted to rule five.

"Very well, son! Your training begins now."

…

When Rukia walked by the door on her way to sneak out, she couldn't help but feel a little guilty at the sounds coming from the room. Even Ichigo didn't deserve that, but she was running out of time to enact her plan.

…

"Rule number five: love your wife, then your children. Why, when you were little, I would pick you up just like-"

_Crack_.

"Dad…"

"Umm… We will continue this talk later son, after I have removed the egg from this carpet! Plan 27-A: Brave and Manly Father Escapes from Violent Son."

"Damn it!"

In an instant, Isshin had disappeared, leaving three things in the room completely shattered: Chappy V, all hope of success in the project, and his son's head, still lodged in the closet door.

/.end chapter

Endnotes: Next chapter, we visit the lovely parents Hinamori and Hitsugaya. Did you think I'd let them escape this torture-fest?


	6. CI1: The Shinigami Parenting Method

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!**

Isabella (The December Project)

_On the writing of this chapter_: This was one of the hardest, but certainly one of the most fun. I can't speak on how in-character they are, but be gentle. Somehow, I couldn't see Shiro doing comedy naturally. He's very graceful.  
Also, sorry again for the wait. Next chapter, I'm letting April and Lyssa help because I'm on another vacation. Should be up in the next two weeks, I hope. After that, I'm off to college, so updates may be a bit slow.

_On dedications_: The sixth chapter to you, my friends and fellow authors, who make me laugh just as hard with your reviews as I do writing this little story.

_On you pressing the review button_: Please do. I keep each and every review I've ever gotten, and for this story, your words are especially cherished. Everybody's in a good mood after reading a comedy.

_On me owning Bleach_: Nope. And let's face it, if I did, nothing would ever get done. We'd have chapter titles like…

…Chapter VI: Hinamori and Hitsugaya- The Shinigami Parenting Method  
or  
Smelling Lovely and Going Blind in One Easy Step by Hitsugaya Toushiro

"Hitsugaya-taichou?" Hinamori opened the door to their apartment. Inoue could only take so much, so they'd decided to stay in their own place for the remainder of the assignment. After the "incident which must never be mentioned again" happened, it was necessary that dear Orihime-chan get some vacation time. And a lice rinse. And several vaccinations.

"Hitsugaya?"

The problem was, it was Hitsugaya's turn to escape their cramped conditions, but he was nowhere in sight. "Toushiro!" She looked around curiously, but there was no sign of him or the eggs. She began to worry. What if he had developed… a social life?

Or worse, what if the eggs she had trusted so were part of a diabolical plot to overthrow the apartment complex and her Shiro was the next victim? Or the ringleader? She just couldn't do _that _again.

"Shiro-chan!"

"I told you not to call me that." He was walking out of one of the bedrooms with the egg carton under his arm.

Hinamori chuckled nervously and pulled the dozen eggs from his arms.

"So what now?" he asked. Surely, she had something diabolical planned.

"Now, it's my turn with them." She ushered him out the door, careful to make sure the it was closed tight behind him. Once she was sure he was gone, she diabolically skipped into the bathroom.

…

Hitsugaya returned from his hollow massacring jamboree three hours later. He made the trek to the bathroom for a very masculine manicure and facial. Even captains should look presentable, after all. Even if they were in highly unflattering gigai. He dug through his manly laundry and retrieved his manly exfoliating scrub. And also, his rubber ducky.

Unfortunately, he was so preoccupied by said ducky that he was unaware of the humming from inside the bathroom. Had he been, he may have spared his young eyes from the horror that awaited him.

Hinamori. Minus clothes. Plus eggs.

And then, only blinding pain as everything within her reach was hurled directly at his face. As he was blinded by a bottle of exploding lavender shampoo, Hitsugaya Toushiro swore off women forever. There was no greater evil.

No assault had ever brought him to his knees like Hinamori's shampoo bomb surprise had. Even as he was reduced to a whimpering, writhing heap on the floor, he prayed that Aizen would never discover the raw, unbridled power of hair care.

If he ever found hairspray Soul Society would be doomed.

…

As he washed what could only be lavender-scented radioactive toxic waste out of his eyes, Hinamori alternated between apologizing and scolding him for walking in on her. He determined that he wouldn't have made a very good father. A good father shouldn't hate his children so much.

Of course, Hinamori was getting along swimmingly with her babies. No pun intended.

He wondered if all women had a maternal instinct so strong that they would sacrifice the father to save the "children." He wondered if anyone in Soul Society could give him advice on parenting. He wondered if the smell would ever come out. He also wondered if an exfoliating mask could remove the blush that would not leave his cheeks.

Mostly he wondered how he'd ended up in such a horrible situation. Oh, right. The "incident which must never be mentioned again." Poor Inoue.

"Um… Hitsugaya-taichou?" Hinamori was looking at her feet. He waited expectantly. "I… need more shampoo."

…

Hitsugaya was immediately upset that he had left his zapakuto. The enormous beast would surely devour them the moment it had the opportunity. _Beep. Beep beep. Beep._ What the hell? Its strange mechanical pulse beeped irregularly.

They passed rows of strange and somewhat evil devices. And also, many girly things.

Hinamori, who had been to the store before, led the way through the countless aisles. He followed with extreme caution. He forbid her from bringing home the same deadly concoction she'd tried to pass off as shampoo before, so she wandered the aisle, looking each colored bottle up and down.

And Hitsugaya stood, ready for the inevitable assault, until the moment they reached the check out.

"Well, hey, kids." The cashier with the voice like she'd been eating a bit too much sandpaper was suspiciously glancing at him. There was another beep as the shampoo grazed the code reader. Hitsugaya jumped. "Have a nice day." The cashier handed them the bag. With a wink, she grinned at him and slowly cooed, "Honey, you smell _fab_ulous. What do you use?"

A giggling Hinamori accompanied her miserable partner outside to catch the return bus. "She's right," the girl laughed. "You do smell lovely, taichou."

He grumbled, then stopped. "Wait. We're forgetting something."

Hinamori stopped. She thought for about three seconds. Then, her face fell into a look of absolute horror.

On the twelfth seat of bus 223 heading south down the highway, five eggs had exploded and cooked to a cheery sunny side up in the light streaming through the window.

In the parking lot of the convenience store, Hitsugaya sold his soul to the devil to assure that those seven eggs that had been bathing with Hinamori were still intact.

/.end chapter

Endnotes: Well, that was fun, ne? Next chapter, Ichigo and Rukia go on a ("total opposite of, absolutely nothing like, not even similar to a") date. But knowing our Ichigo, it can only end in tears. _Be there_. Or be… not there.


	7. The Date

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!  
**Isabella (The December Project)

_On the writing of this chapter_: Not as much funniness here because the plot is actually starting to creep forward. It might be just a touch more serious for the next few chapters, but nine should be at least amusing. Enjoy anyway, and I'll get eight up ASAP, and we're moving forward, folks!

_On the last chapter_: My confidence was slightly crushed by the last chapter. I had a sneaking suspicion that it was bad. Maybe that's why this took so long. Also, I moved to college! Yay! Anyway, I'm not messing with any other characters I don't know well enough to write perfectly from here on out.

_On dedications_: This chapter dedicated to the closet anime fans. We admit nothing! See you at the conventions!

_On you pressing the review button_: You know you want to... Come on, no harm ever came of writing a review... do it! Do it! Do it!

_On me owning Bleach_: Nope, nope. Bleach is unfortunately owned by one Kubo Tite.

* * *

Chapter VII: The (Total Opposite of, Absolutely Nothing Like, Not Even Similar to a) Date

Nomura returned to her desk with the stride of a jungle cat carrying her prey, which just happened to be the attention of the entire petrified class. She lifted a plastic baby, a cattle prod and a large, stained suitcase onto the desk. "Now, ladies, I'm going to teach you how to properly change a diaper while throwing out the hussy that your husband picked up on the way home from work and packing him a suitcase so he'll finally get out of your life forev- Yes, Kurosaki?"

Ichigo had dared to raise his hand. The teacher raised an eyebrow, briefly considered gnawing it off so it would not be a further problem. He didn't give her the chance.

"Bathroom."

She paused, but Asano was in the back corner, falling asleep. He had a much greater potential for tears if she stalked over and woke him with a pound of fireworks under his seat. Watch Kurosaki squirm or Asano cry. Decisions, decisions. She compromised. "Go. Now, where was I?"

Rukia watched as he left, very aware that he had no intentions of going to the bathroom. He was on to her plan… She watched out the window for about two seconds and, sure enough, he went creeping out of the front entrance.

There were twenty-four pops and a very girly scream from behind her. Then, sobbing and maniacal laughter. She really wished she'd gone with him.

…

Ichigo raced home in time to grab some money and rush to the store to buy Rukia a present. His father had threatened him with another talk if he didn't. He could already hear that conversation. "_Now, it is imperative that if you want a woman to carry your children- Why are you blushing like that? Isn't my son old enough to have this conversation? We can talk about the birds and the bees again! Oh, papa's only son has grown up so fast! Waaaaaahhhh! Mama, look at your little Ichigo! I'm so proooooooouuuuuuudddd!_"

Not going to happen. He watched the cashier toss the things into his bag. Just the first of the money going down an insatiable hole called "appeasing girls." Now, just to wrap them up (presents, not girls) and get Rukia to cease and desist in her campaign to destroy him. The girl was like an atom bomb in the hands of an excitable bunny with a trigger finger.

Now, to enact Plan 66-B: Dashing Hero Wins Heart of Fair Lady and Avoids Grisly Death. It was just a damn shame that Plan 66-A: Dashing Hero Kills Fair Lady and Is Done With It didn't work out... and he was still cleaning rat poison out of his closet...

"Kuchiki."

Rukia blinked quickly and stood at attention.

"Kuchiki, find your partner. Tell him if he does not report back to class, the wrath of god shall come down upon him and this will most certainly be his last opportunity to have children."

Rukia squeaked a quick "yes, ma'am," for once actually mindful of Ichigo's lower regions. Plus, she had her own maniacal plans to set into motion... Plan 10-B: Planned Invitational Chew-fest Not Involving Chappy :(

Let project P.I.C.N.I.C. :( commence. Rukia laughed maniacally, the burning wrath of a thousand suns coursing through her veins, every cell-

"Kuchiki... Any time now."

"Right." And then she left the room.

Ichigo wrapped the gifts and took a look at his handiwork. She'd never know what was inside... mostly because the wrapping paper looked like he had wrapped roadkill. Oops.

He marched right out of his room with the dead-animal shaped presents in a bag, ready to meet Rukia the moment she got home. He thought about chaining himself to the drain pipe, but Hurricane Rukia would make little distinction between human being and destructible material.

She was home early. And with a smile.

Suddenly, riders of hell were running through the streets. Women and children were screaming and the sky was on fire. A six headed serpent tore the ground in half and...

...Wait, no. That was the apocalypse.

"Come on," Rukia urged quietly. "We're going out."

He froze. "What like on a... date?"

"_Not even sort of_." Rukia drug him without stopping down to the river. A picnic blanket was spread out and covered with food. Rukia was now eating for eight after the loss of Mr. Happy Pants (took a tumble off the desk), Chappy IV (mercilessly devoured by the soulless Kurosakis), Chappy II (sacrificed himself to save his mommy), and Chappy V (mysteriously went missing after Ichigo's chat with his father).

Ichigo figured now was as good a time as any and pulled out the grisly looking present. She looked at it suspiciously and silently swore that if he was packing dead bodies she was going to rip out his spleen and serve it to him for lunch.

She tore off the wrapping paper - all twenty layers of it - to reveal a bright sketchbook and some pencils.

"For your drawings..." He couldn't actually call them art, because that would degrade any respect he'd ever had for any artist... ever. Rukia was no artist. She was a drawer. Also, those little monsters gave him the chills with their dead eyes and their demonic smiles and... he was getting creeped out just thinking about them.

Rukia looked at them silently for a moment, wearing an adorable little expression that he couldn't really decipher. Either she was disconnected with her gigai or she was about to rip out his spleen and serve it to him for lunch. Either way, he started to get nervous. "Umm... Rukia?"

"Thank you." She smiled. He got a lot more nervous.

He figured it was best not to say any more. Better not to tell her that it was a "Sorry for calling you an unholy bitch" present.

They ate, they talked. Ichigo kicked Asano's already badly singed ass for showing up to spy on them. They ate some more. Then Rukia pulled out a small pie. Then she "accidentally" dumped it on his head. (It was just a return present for her "Sorry for calling you an unholy bitch" gift).

She gleefully chuckled as he wiped strawberry pie out of his hair and eyes. So he "accidentally" tossed an open soda at her. And she "accidentally" wailed a picnic basket at his head, and soon things were flying through the air. You know... by accident.

And when they were done, they sat panting on the blanket, which was thoroughly covered in all kinds of unidentifiable slop, some of which he was pretty sure hadn't been there to begin with. Ichigo was affectionately watching his companion, who seemed to be having the time of her life. Rukia was giggling as she picked through the remnants on her shirt. "Pie, cake, mustard, soup, eggs, crushed fortune cookies..." Rukia stopped, realizing that she'd just found another of her babies.

"Son of a bitch!"

"How could you throw one of the eggs at me!?" she demanded.

"Your fault for bringing them!"

She opened the carton and counted. Down to seven. She huffed. "Joke's on you - that was Ichigo Junior!"

"Junior- What the hell are you talking about?"

"I go to the trouble of naming the baby after you and you kill it! You're the worst father ever!"

"She's right, you are."

"Get the hell out of here, Keigo!"

/.end chapter

Endnotes: Happy Halloween! Remember to check your candy (especially if you come to my house). I lovingly fill all my candy with Arsenic! Please leave a review!

PS. Hope your sister is doing better, Alaena. And everybody else, stay sane. It's almost almost Christmas!


	8. The AntiBitch Alliance

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!**

Isabella (The December Project)

_On the writing of this chapter_: You reviewers make my insides go squee like they're melting or something. Good thing I don't let anything go to my head (even ideas! yay!) or I'd be all confident and stuff. Reviews keep reminding me that this is a tad clichéd, but what the heck, I'm having fun. Some material in this chapter is excerpts from a one-shot I was planning on writing that I never liked enough to put up.

_On the editing of previous chapters_: Also, if you feel inclined (or keep forgetting what happened because of how long updates take), the first few chapters will be continuously revamped over the next few days. I noticed a few typos that my (ahem) brilliant editors missed, so I'm fixing them and adding to / clarifying the plot.

_On the idiocy of Asano Keigo_: Why isn't Keigo with his "wife?" Because he's a deadbeat dad, that's why. Also, that's why he's going to fail. And also why next chapter is dedicated entirely to torturing him. Hehe.

_On future checkins_: Chapter 10 will be one of our lovely "check-ins" with Tatsuki and Renji. It's not going to be pretty. I'll tentatively say that chapters 12 and 15 will be my personal favorites, Inoue and Ishida.

_On dedications_: This chapter to the teenagers in love, without whom, the rest of us would have nothing to point at while saying "EEEEEEWWWW!" except for dog poop.

_On you pressing the review button_: I will give hugs, cookies and eternal love to reviewers. You make my... life.

_On me owning Bleach_: Nup, no Bleachy for me-me. It's all Kubo Tite. And we're all better off. Especially Keigo.

* * *

Chapter VIII: The Anti-Bitch Alliance

"Rukia, come out of the closet."

Shuffling. Mumbling. A sniffle.

"What?"

Scratching. Grumbling. It sounded like a leprechaun on a sugar high was having a therapy session in his closet. He wasn't too far off.

"Any comments should be submitted to my director of security."

"Your _what_?" He knocked again and tugged at the door. How had she managed to lock his closet? If she was in there welding the door to the frame, he was just going to leave her to suffocate...

"Director of Security." Kon stood proud at an intimidating seven inches in front of the door. Ichigo stared down the little fuzz ball before deciding that he wasn't worth the effort. He pulled the new costume (a lovely little maid outfit complete with feather duster sewn to his hand) over the plushie's head and punted him out the window.

Get a little air under that thing and he really flew... He just kept going- right into the telephone pole. Ouch. The lights flickered.

"Rukia, I swear, if you don't open this door I'm coming in to get you!"

"Aren't you in the closet enough already?" A self-satisfied "humph."

"Okay, that's it!"

His poor closet. In the span of three days, it had gone back to being "Rukia's Closet," had a hole punched in it (courtesy of Ichigo's head) and was boarded back up with plywood so the psycho shinigami could have some privacy (so she could plot how to ruin his life in peace). And now he was ten seconds away from lighting it on fire just to smoke out the midget bitch.

"One… two… three…"

Rukia knew what that meant. As he charged the closet, she flung open the door. He crashed into a heap beside her and her closet door was saved. She considered that a great victory. Ichigo considered it a broken neck. Which was all well and good with him. Even Nomura would have to have sympathy for some poor sucker in a wheelchair with a wife like Rukia. Right?

...Wait no, that was a sentiment reserved for people with souls...

"What?" she demanded impatiently.

Ichigo blinked at her, trying to shake his double vision and gain control of the left side of his body, which may or may not have been twitching uncontrollably. "Would you warn me next time you're going to do that?"

"That would defeat the purpose," she practically choking on the evil giggles. Rukia: 756, Ichigo: 12.

"If we fail this project, we're going to be spending another year with that woman."

Rukia stopped giggling. She may have stopped breathing. And then she lapsed into a horrible, nightmarish coma world in which she saw her worst fears become a reality. Chappy was dead, eggs were scrambled... and the clowns! Oh, not the clowns...

Apparently, her motherly instinct had been overriding common sense. She grabbed him by the throat and shook him hard. "You idiot! What are we going to do?!?!"

Ichigo weighed the pros and cons of letting her strangle him here. Either way, he'd probably be stuck with Rukia for eternity, so he decided to live. He stood, out of reach of her death-grip (which incidentally only _reached_ five feet) and thought.

"We have to think. And we have to do this better."

Rukia listened with rapt attention, cuddling with the carton of eggs. Then she began to scribble her drawings on her new notebook. He presumed that the one with orange head was him, the one with sparkles around it was Rukia and the seven poorly drawn circles were her remaining "babies."

"This is you and this is me. This is Ren-Ren and this is Bya-kun and-"

"Yeah, yeah... Why did you draw sparkles around _me_?"

"Shut up. Now, here's the plan- You don't get to touch the kids anymore."

"What?!"

Rukia defended her decision with a glare. "You're a neglectful father. I'm taking the kids."

He grabbed the eggs from her lap defensively. "This is my grade, too."

"Maybe you should have been more sensitive!"

"Maybe you should have been more responsible!"

"Maybe you should have told me you were a total closeted jerk _before_ we got fake married!"

"Maybe you shouldn't have crushed Chappy II in your damn shirt!"

"Maybe you should- you remembered his name?"

"... Ugh. This is ridiculous." Ichigo handed the eggs back to her with an exasperated sigh. "We're screwed if we don't work together here."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"The Anti-Bitch Alliance," she mumbled under her breath.

He smirked.

And that was that. The Alliance to plunge the righteous A+ of justice into the surging mass of absolute evil that was Nomura Yoko was born.

They sat silently on the bed, watching the clock tick away moments from their sentence. Three days, sixteen hours, twenty four minutes, eight seconds... seven seconds... six seconds... five seconds...

The eggs sat on the desk, each one carefully cradled in bubble wrap.

There was no one home. "Daddy" was out with Yuzu and Karin. There hadn't been enough seats in the car for Ichigo and Rukia (despite Isshin's best attempts to convince Rukia to sit on her partner's lap). The eggs weren't exactly travel-friendly anyway, even in their plastic prisons.

There was a knock at the door. Ichigo stood slowly. He wasn't sure when one of the 'kids' would decide to spontaneously combust, and he sure as hell didn't want Rukia blaming a horrific death on him.

He opened the door. "What do you want?"

There was Keigo. Just... standing there. Staring at him with a sick Disney World face. Like one of those bizarre dolls with dead eyes and plastic smiles. He half expected a rousing rendition of "It's a Small World."

_It's a small world after all... _(The world might seem bigger if Keigo's gigantic head wasn't taking up so much space...)

"Hey, Ichigo - Noticed your dad's car wasn't here. Just you?" _It's a small world after all..._ (Seriously, it was like a gigantic watermelon sitting on a toothpick.)

Ichigo nodded very slowly, trying to figure out what was going on. "Rukia's over," he added. _It's a small world after all..._ (Dear Lord, was it getting bigger?)

"Perfect." Asano grinned in a way that kind of made Ichigo hate him. What was going on? _It's a small world after all._ (It's a gigantic world full of nothing.)_ It's a small, s-_ "PARTY!" -_hit._

Then the sound began. Like a low rumble that got louder and louder. Like the crushing, deafening sound of defeat as it slowly smashed him into a fine strawberry pudding. At least a hundred bodies popped out of his front bushes and pushed past him into the house, herded by Asano.

Rukia sat the eggs on Ichigo's bed and slipped out the bedroom door at the sound. She swam through the bodies in the kitchen. A little fire was burning inside Kuchiki Rukia. A violent little fire. A fire that turned into an inferno of righteous anger so fast that when she saw Ichigo, she slugged first and didn't even considered asking questions later.

He rubbed his sore cheek. "What was that for?"

"This is the stupidest idea you've ever had!"

"This wasn't my idea!"

There was a pounding of feet on the stairs. Ichigo stared at Rukia. Rukia stared at Ichigo. _It's a small, small world..._

/.end chapter

Endnotes: I really hope Keigo doesn't have any fans reading this, because I've been wanting to tear him a new one for a while now. Expect to see him thoroughly harassed. He's earned it.


	9. The Torture of Asano Keigo

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!**

Isabella (The December Project)

_On the Writing of this Chapter_: Want to know a secret? I hate eggs. Despise them. They taste bad, they look gross and they make me uncomfortable unless there are little chicks inside of them. And if there aren't, it's still like eating babies. That's why I really enjoy destroying eggs in horrific ways. The end.  
Also, has anyone else noticed how many mentions of arson there are in this fic? Hint: A heck of a lot.  
One more thing- due to overwhelming demand (and his total amazingness in recent manga chapters), I am currently writing a chapter with Byakuya. It is going to take a while, so forgive the delays. There are two or three chapters before (most of which are partially completed). I have major trouble writing our lovely little ice-princess Bya in character.

_On dedication: _This chapter to the IC 'shippers. Because Ichigo does not have a gooey center. And Rukia is a flaming cactus, not a delicate flower. And I appreciate anyone who can write them as they are. On that note, recommendations (and shameless self-plugging) are welcome in reviews! I love a good story...

_On you pressing the review button_: I think this is actually going to be my most reviewed story yet... Sixty-six reviews and going strong! So, thanks! Seriously, you guys crack me up. The reviews are so fantastic for this. They are all saved and well loved. Keep them coming!

_On me owning Bleach_: You get it by now, right?

* * *

Chapter IX: The Torture of Asano Keigo

Some ungodly music was blaring so loud that it sounded like baby angels dying. Food was crushed all over the floor and people he'd never even seen before were making out on his table. Where he ate... Some people were sledding down the stairs and others were finding things that could be detached from the walls to break.

Kurosaki Ichigo was having a nightmare. A horrible nightmare that made him want to tear out someone's eyes and light them on fire... then put them back. That someone was, in particular, Asano Keigo, who was hitting on four girls at a time. Which might be making his head bigger. How would he get out the front door? The next option that came to mind sounded much more appealing. If all of Keigo didn't fit out the door whole, then pieces would have to go...

Rukia was looking all together like a paranoid mother hen, holding her carton of eggs to her pathetically and dodging flying bodies. She looked at her marginally-comatose "husband" in a panic. "What are we going to do?"

He shook his head and mumbled "Cut him into pieces."

"Ichigo!"

He shook the absolutely delicious thought off and looked at her carefully. It wasn't his "thing" to think. He was more a "hack first, think later" guy. And that was okay with him. It always seemed to work - hollows, homicidal fathers, dinner. She repeated the question insistently.

He thought quickly, then the brain cell that he'd dedicated to "thinking" came up with a plan. "Hey, Rukia, still got that glove?"

She cocked her head at him. "Why?"

"Got an idea."

"Oh no. This is such a bad idea. It's against every rule I've ever even heard of."

"Shut up and do it. It'll save our project. Not to mention the priceless antique-" crack. "-never mind."

She slid on that infamous glove that would rip his soul free of his body. The invisibility factor had never really come in handy, but tonight it would all change. And when Keigo's watermelon head showed up cut into bite-size pieces, no one would have _seen_ anything.

Rukia placed the eggs gingerly on the counter and took another well-deserved swing at him. She caught Ichigo's body as it dropped. "Tell Yuzu to cut down on the calories she feeds you."

"Shuddup. Just watch."

Rukia tossed the lifeless body into the closet and proceeded to watch Ichigo's master plan in action. She had decided to call it Plan 49-X: Invisible Shinigami Scares Idiot Party-Goers and Murders Ex-Friend a.k.a. Ichigo's Stupidest Plan Yet.

It should provide some laughs at least. Invisible Ichigo found a dish that hadn't been otherwise defiled and prepared to smash it in plain view of the morons on his kitchen table. He dropped it, and two things happened. One of the idiots screamed "GHOST!"

Just one problem-

"OH MY GOD! I THINK HE'S DEAD!"

At the same moment, Rukia turned towards the source of the scream. Oh, yeah. This plan was going to hell. Ichigo's body was on the carpet. Keigo had been on his way to seven minutes in heaven when the corpse was discovered.

Rukia cringed. But it wasn't her genius plan that was getting them screwed.

A mass of humanity flocked for the door. Half of them were screaming about disembodied dishes soaring through the air, the other about the dead body on the floor. Rukia laid the egg carton on the now deserted couch and headed for the kitchen to ream her partner in crime.

Ichigo was admiring his handiwork while staring at the floor. It was covered in something that he was praying was black Jell-O. If it wasn't someone had a hell of a lot of explaining to do. He looked up when Rukia stomped in.

"You idiot. How did I let you talk me into this?"

"Worked, didn't it?" He smirked.

"Until somebody calls the cops!" Rukia was shuffling around the kitchen. Definitely _not_ Jell-O. Gross.

"Bah, just tell them I was asleep."

"In the closet?"

"Did you see how fast they cleared out of here? It's no big deal."

It was true. In seconds, the house was empty but for three people - Ichigo, sifting proudly through the wreckage of his kitchen, Rukia, attempting to beat him over the head with whatever she could find for endangering her job, and Asano Keigo, staring at the lifeless corpse of his best friend. Tragedy.

Then, Keigo's greatest idea ever struck. All those awesome movies made for hordes of stupid moviegoers... of course, whenever somebody passed out, the best way to revive them was to throw water on their face.

_Damn, Keigo, you are some kind of genius_. His head got a little bit bigger. It was the size of a small, small world. And it was completely uninhabited.

No water to speak of. But eggs had liquid inside of them! 100 points! _Asano Keigo, you are a god among men. _Keigo, having completely forgotten his project over the past three days, was blissfully unaware of why there were eggs on the couch, but illogical arguments were as good as any.

So he pulled out an egg and smashed it against an equally uninhabited Ichigo's face. _This is the best idea ever!_

And then, all hell broke loose.

Rukia came in and stopped dead in the doorway. Luckily, Ichigo was faster or a second egg would have met its fate. In three milliseconds, Ichigo had his _lovely, wonderful, dear_ Keigo by the throat.

The sound that Keigo let out might have been joy at seeing his lovely, wonderful, dear Ichigo alive, but the sound produced was more of a gurgle seeing as Ichigo's fingers were closing off his windpipe and crushing his spine.

Ichigo's voice on the other hand, was working perfectly. "Get. Out."

And so Keigo, being spared a gruesome death, skipped merrily out the door with minimally reduced motor function to find a different closet and a different desperate teenage girl.

Ichigo stood and wiped egg off of himself. He looked at Rukia. She stared, glassy-eyed at the crime scene. For the second time in two hours, Ichigo was pretty sure she'd stopped breathing, thinking, and probably existing.

If souls made a sound when they were slowly dissolving into a puddle on the floor, he was pretty sure that the deflating balloon squeal he was hearing was her. Of course, it might have been the "Happy 80th Birthday" balloons in the kitchen, too... Obviously, it was a poorly planned ambush party.

He thought he might want to snap her out of it before she shut down completely.

"Hey, Rukia... Come on. It's not... _that_ bad."

She was just barely mouthing something, but he couldn't figure out what it was. Something about clowns...

"Rukia..."

He touched her shoulder nervously. He half expected her to break into a million pieces. Instead, she threw her head back and wailed. And then the water works started.

"We're screwed! And Ren-Ren is _dead_!"

"H-hey! It'll be okay... You named it Ren-Ren? Seriously? Like after Renji?"

She nodded, trying not to imagine staring at Nomura for another second past the requirement. Then a fresh wave began. And Ichigo considered starting his own fire department. She was successfully flooding his living room, surely Rukia could handle a burning inferno.

"Why didn't you say so?" he continued nonchalantly. "Good riddance."

It didn't quite have the intended effect. She just cried harder. "I loved him!"

Ichigo looked at the egg smashed on the carpet and muttered, "Nothing compared to Ichigo Jr."

"Ichigo Jr.'s dead, too!" _Oops. Zero for two._

Mother Hen Rukia exhausted herself quickly and the two took to alternating stares between each other and the destroyed house. And then something very strange happened. Rukia laughed.

"Did you see the look on his face?"

Ichigo grinned too. "We could do that at all our parties."

"I never want to hear that word again."

They chuckled, not because they were totally screwed (which they were), but because the entire thing was so unbelievably ridiculous that if they couldn't laugh about it in a civilized way, they'd be laughing about it as they massacred the entire school population using only teddy bears. No one really wanted that. It was far too fluffy a fate.

"So what now?"

A sound like a nuclear bomb went off on the sidewalk. A smoking heap of unrecognizable rubbish had put a crater in the cement. Well, that wasn't entirely true. The force behind the flying projectile had been helpful in doing some serious damage.

"You know, you are absolutely the worst 'father'- no, the worst human being I've ever met." It sounded like a small war. Ichigo and Rukia made for the window where they could covertly watch and hope that someone was worse off than they were. "I swear I'm going to tear you to shreds!" An egg hit the sidewalk. That couldn't be good...

/. end chapter

Endnotes: Wow. Guess who's getting along like peaches and cream? Throw me a bone, here, people! Review!


	10. CI2: Loving a Menstrual Tasmanian Devil

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs are All Broken!  
**Isabella (The December Project)

_On the Writing of this Chapter_: Okay, I could have done much worse to poor Renji with a partner like Tatsuki, but I have a huge soft spot for him. I think it's because he reminds me of a teddy bear I used to have. No kidding.

This pairing is seriously hard to write, but after reading a few fantastically written stories which managed to keep everyone in character, I got a touch of inspiration. Forgive me, please, for any OOCness (that goes for every chapter). Comedy truly is tricky.

This chapter is extra-long for your reading enjoyment! I had enough ideas to gag a horse, figuratively speaking. I'm finally getting somewhat more committed to the fluff, so prepare yourselves.

On an almost unrelated note, yesterday was my birthday! Yay! I am 19. So here's a present for everyone: more Chicken!

_On dedication: _This chapter to non-conventional writers: darlings out in non-canon land, valiantly slaving over hot keyboards to bring you new, completely out-of-left-field pairings; the AU folks who have made our favorite characters even more interesting; and even the lemon-heads- we still respect you. And as always, to the regulars who often remind me that fanfiction is very much a legitimate writing form. Keep it up, all.

_On you pressing the review button_: Seventy-two reviews! People, your mind-numbing niceness makes me melt all over my chair. For the love of all that is good and holy, please stop. My roommate is seriously getting sick of mopping me up. But really, the confidence boosting is soooooo much appreciated. You are wonderful (especially my well-loved repeat reviewers). And now, as predicted, my pretties, I give you (the completely not-for-profit, belonging to Kubo Tite):

* * *

Chapter X: Tatsuki and Renji - Learning to Love a Menstrual Tasmanian Devil  
or  
Kung-Fu and the Modern Shinigami

Arisawa Tatsuki was on the second floor of her home nearby, holding her carton off eggs out the window threateningly. Renji was on the sidewalk, screaming up at her. "Don't blame me that you're a psycho bitch with no maternal instincts!"

"Me? I'm psycho? You know what? If you think you're so good at it-" Tatsuki carelessly tossed the entire carton toward the sidewalk. Renji made a dive that only managed to crack one rib. When she'd sent the carton flying the night before, he was pretty sure that he'd damaged some internal organs. Including one that he didn't think he had.

When he got back up there, he was going... um... there weren't many options past "hit a girl," but Tatsuki wasn't so much a girl as she was a tank. A tank with hope-destroying lasers and joy-seeking sadism bombs. A tank that had forced him to purchase a new gigai because she had _really, actually_ been trying to murder, kill, maim, and / or destroy him. For real.

So he took the mostly undamaged eggs back up and prepared to something violent. He had to prepare because he could only assume that Arisawa was made of cement. How the hell else could she do so much damage with so little effort?

She opened the door after he pounded for a minute. Before he could think, she grabbed the carton and glared at him.

Then she launched into a tirade. Renji felt his jaw collide with her welcome mat within three seconds of her opening her mouth. "What were you thinking? You almost didn't catch them! What would we have done if you hadn't actually caught them? You are the most irresponsible, selfish, stupid fake husband ever and you're not fit to- are you listening to me?"

In his mind, Renji pulled a trigger. He wasn't sure which one of them he was aiming at, but it sure as hell felt good.

...

"Ugh. I just don't even know what to do about him." Tatsuki rubbed the bridge of her nose. The entire thing was an enormous headache. Orihime nodded sympathetically and offered her another chocolate-dipped three-cheese shrimp.

"Don't worry, Tatsuki, it'll work out," Orihime chirped as she popped another diamond-encrusted sea-monkey surprise.

"How's it going with your partner?"

"Oh! We're having the best time!" She giggled. Inoue Orihime was obscenely excited by "Seafood Surprise Fridays."

...

Renji sighed and downed another soda from the fridge. "She's just so damn brutal. I mean, not an ounce of decency. Those kids are impressionable and if she's violent in front of them-"

"Um. I don't mean to interrupt, Abarai, but..."

"And what kind of wife won't cook dinner? I thought Rukia was nasty, but I was so wrong..." He gnawed on a chicken leg... or at least it looked like a chicken. It had apparently been basted in something... purple. On a related note, Saturdays were "Rainbow Surprise Saturdays." Had the 'surprise' ever actually been unveiled, it would have been "Arrested for Attempted Murder by Poisoning Saturdays." Renji trucked on, eating and complaining. "You know when you look at a girl and you just want to grab her and-"

"Abarai!"

"What?"

"One- no. I have no idea what you are talking about and I'm sure Arisawa-san would not appreciate if you 'grabbed' her. Two... What are you doing here?" Ishida cocked his head at the strange red-head before Tatsuki and Orihime reentered the room.

"I didn't trust him enough to leave him at my place," Tatsuki replied simply. "Hope you didn't mind, Ishida."

"I don't mind, except... Inoue, you're out of soda... and all the other liquids... and food. Also, that thing in the back of your refrigerator that looked like a mold-covered kitten."

"Mr. Snuggly-Buns?!?!" Orihime's face blanked for a second. Then she frowned. "He wasn't going to be ready for three more weeks!"

Renji was like a vacuum. A vacuum with a hose large enough to suck down a turkey without chewing and a bag big enough to store the contents of Inoue Orihime's giganto-refridg-O-master-of-the-Universe-eratorTM. With room to spare.

Ishida was hard at work making sure that he still had all his fingers and toes.

"Oh look, Ishida!" Orihime exclaimed suddenly, forgetting her prior shock at the loss of Mr. Snuggly-Buns, "I think I hear the babies crying. They must be hungry." She flitted off to the living room like a magical fairy princess on crack, giggling and cooing all the way.

"Ishida?" Tatsuki was breathing down his neck. "You are aware that the eggs Orihime is obsessing over aren't the ones for the project, right?"

Ishida pushed up his glasses. Contrary to his former belief, he wasn't completely surrounded by idiots. He was completely surrounded by idiots and a menstrual Tasmanian Devil with anger management issues.

"Very much aware, Arisawa-san."

"How many dozens has she gone through?"

"Since yesterday? Six."

And Renji was eating the mold out of the back of the fridge. Perfect. They could only hope that he found the deadly antifreeze and downed that, too.

Unfortunately, before he reached the fatal stuff, Tatsuki grabbed him and drug him out. She muttered a goodbye to Ishida, who either had a nervous twitch or was trying to sew back the invisible pieces of his lost dignity. Then she hollered to Orihime in the kitchen who chirped back something unintelligible. Tatsuki presumed she was holding the eggs in her mouth.

Well, she'd likely do that with her own human children too. It was probably fine.

_Crunch_. "Umm... Ishida-kun?" Or not.

She shut the front door behind her, dragging Renji behind her. He'd obviously glued his mouth shut with some strange amalgamation of super glue and peanut butter. She thanked heaven for Orihime's cooking talents.

"Mmmmmm... Mmmm-mmmm. Mph!"

"Can you breathe in that, Abarai?"

"Mmm-mmm."

"Good." She clamped a finger over his nose and watched him struggle for a minute. Then he went entirely limp. "Umm... Abarai?" No movement. "Abarai."

She stopped for a minute. Renji mused that doing this would be an awesome party trick. "Abarai, quit it!"

He unhinged his jaw and freed himself. "Sucker."

"Bastard."

Tatsuki shoved the key into the lock and let herself in. She slammed the door in Renji's face, but luckily his skull was hard enough to withstand the force of a fifteen pound chunk of wood hurdling into his face at a hundred miles an hour. The concussion kicked in as he stepped through the doorway, which was why when a flaming dagger narrowly missed his special place and embedded itself into the wall, it took him an extra twenty seconds to go completely ballistic.

"What the hell was that?!? Are you trying to kill me?"

Tatsuki didn't answer, just blew it out and pulled it out of the wall. "A battle to the death." She barely read it before she tossed it into the trash and headed for the stairs.

Renji stood, his melted brain sloshing around in his toes for a second before he stopped her. "What? How many of these have you gotten?"

"Two hundred fourteen."

Renji did the math. "You've killed two hundred fourteen people?"

"You can't prove that. But just in case you were wondering, I'm saving you for number three hundred." She turned around and walked upstairs.

"Where are you going?"

She looked at him mercilessly. "Do you have brain damage?"

"I can't remember."

"...I've got to go fight some bitch to the death. Try not to be a total failure and watch the kids, would'ya?"

"Fine. Whatever."

...

Tatsuki arrived at the place, ready to send some heads rolling. She waited just five minutes before the opponent appeared, some girl from homeroom D-1 at school.

"Arisawa Tatsuki, I will have my revenge!"

"For what?"

"You dishonor me with your forgetfulness! Let me refresh your memory! I am Sato Shiori. Last winter, before the regional championships, you bumped into my hairdresser on the street. She fell into a puddle and caught a cold. I arrived to the hair salon so I would look respectable when I won the competition. Do you know what happened, Arisawa?"

Tatsuki pointed at Shiori's head. "Other than that horrible wreck on your head you're calling hair?"

"No! I got sick! And you won!"

"Oh. Right. Plus, you look like a poodle who lost a fight with a lawnmower."

"Righ- No! Fight me!"

"You're obviously at a disadvantage because you can't see past those hacked-up poofs in front of your eyes."

"Quit it! This is about the championship that was rightfully mine!"

"What happened to the hair that was rightfully yours? Did you trade it with a stray mutt?"

When Shiori charged, Tatsuki shrugged and beat the crap out of her. Thirty six seconds. A new world record.

Renji peeked out from behind the tree he'd been using for reconnaissance purposes. Tatsuki was completely unharmed, wiping her hands on her pants. She frowned at him, marched right up and stuck her nose in his face. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be watching the kids."

He held the box out in front of him. At that moment, the vengeful fighter from D-1 attacked, grabbing the eggs. She picked one out of the box and tossed it at Tatsuki.

Using his training from days of catching, Renji performed an amazing leap and intercepted the egg. It cracked into a yolky mess on his shirt.

"ABARAIIIIIII!" Tatsuki grabbed her babies, nearly kicked the girl's head off and ran to Renji's side. "Abarai?"

"What?" He was trying to push the sticky mess off.

"You got our baby all over you! You are so completely hopeless, I don't even know how we are going to pass! You fail as a human being! And... and... and... moron." She sighed and helped him to his feet.

"You're welcome, you psycho bitch."

"You realize you've only got 85 bodies until I have to kill you?"

He wiped off more egg and grinned at her. "Yeah, but maybe you'll get rusty around 80."

She smirked at him. "Don't count on it."

/.end chapter

Endnotes: A touch of sweet for you in a hard kung-fu parody shell. Like an Izzi MnM. That's just how I roll. Send a review if you liked it, please be gentle on my fragile psyche if you hated it.


	11. The Aftermath is Harder than Calculus

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs are All Broken!**

By Isabella (The December Project)

_On the Writing of this Chapter_: Well, some of you have honed in on it. The characters are getting highly... caricaturey. But that's okay with me if it's okay with you. This chapter should scale it back a little. Things are about to calm down for our sticky heroes. Also, does anyone smell a little fluff? No? Just me...

_On dedication: _This chapter to the long reviewers. I love to hear what's going on here and there and the rants make my day! Stories, songs, rambles and plugs for your fanfics are so very welcome. You have to read my incessant babbling, so I'm quite eager to read yours. Actually, the fact that some of you admit to laughing at this makes me ridiculously excited.

So thanks for putting in the time. I'm sure you authors know how rewarding each and every review is.

_On you pressing the review button_: As always, please and thank you. Leave me a story or a rant about anything and everything! Burn off steam- some of you have actually given me ideas for the plot- see chapter 14. It's coming...

* * *

Chapter XI: The Aftermath is Harder Than Calculus

"Hand me that spongy thingy."

"The one next to the pile of broken glass?"

"No, the one under the ruined priceless painting."

"Oh. Look! I found one of the eggs! It's under the couch!"

"Stick it on the counter with the other ones."

"Got it. Hey, Ichigo?"

"What?"

"This pile of smoking fuzz is moving. What do I do?"

"Hit it with something."

_Smack_. "I think it bit me."

Ichigo sighed and stood, surveying the scene of utter chaos. Rukia was nursing the wound caused by the unidentifiable little thing. It would take hours to restore the house to pre-apocalyptic condition. Thankfully, the rest of the family shouldn't be home until tomorrow.

He collapsed on the couch, exhausted. Rukia approached with hands on hips. "What are you doing?"

"I need a break." He shrugged and stretched out on the couch.

The pile of smoking fuzz crawled by. Rukia, presuming that it was back to finish what it had begun, jumped up on the couch beside Ichigo. "Back, foul beast! Ichigo, prepare to send it to Soul Society!"

He didn't move, but regarded her carefully. She was glaring at the thing nervously and preparing to ambush it before it could get her. He noticed then the cut on her wrist. It was deeper than he'd thought. He was wondering precisely what she'd managed to do to herself. Surely she couldn't have been bitten by a- dear lord, was it spawning?

He only managed to tear his eyes away from _whatever_ was happening on the carpet to look at her. He grabbed her by the arm and checked it out before she pulled her hand away and nailed him in the head with a pillow.

She had an arm like a gorilla on steroids.

"Ow."

"What are you doing?" She was eyeing him warily.

"Relax. I was just trying to-"

"You were going to take advantage of me! I've seen those filthy manga!"

"..." What the hell had she been reading? The day he decided to 'take advantage' of Kuchiki Rukia was the day he felt the burning desire to be castrated by force, without anesthetic, while taking six consecutive calculus tests. There was no way in hell she was worth the agony involved. Not to mention how unhappy Zangetsu would be at waking up stuck through his throat once she was done mauling him.

He knew that evil little glint in her eye. Rukia thought up new and exciting tortures for fun. Just trying to fathom all the things she could possibly imagine...

She stood quickly, leaving him to wallow in a puddle of what had formerly been his brain. Ichigo vowed to stop using his imagination forever. Many imaginary friends were crushed by this news, particularly Dr. Sunshine Pants, who had been actively practicing for ten years.

"Come on! Are you going to help me or not?"

He pulled himself together and nodded, scrubbing anew at the thing on the wall. Rukia dumped the last bag of garbage onto the neighbors' property and marched back inside where she found the fuzzy thing devouring Ichigo's face. The strawberry head had become a mold spore. Ah, the miracle of... "MMMMMMMMMMMM! Grt it orffff!" Oh, right. Rukia powers, activate!

She grabbed it and pulled. So much for Rukia powers. "It's not coming off! Hang on!"

Ichigo was making an odd sound that was probably some manner of undiscovered obscenity likely directed at Keigo. Of course, that came to an abrupt halt when he felt the thing get... warmer. Then he smelled something strange. Like burning fur. He thought briefly. Heat plus smoke plus Rukia with absolutely no regard for his safety equals...

...

"You set my face on fire!"

Rukia marched back to the cabinet and pulled out more salve. "Calm down. You should be thanking me for saving your life."

"You set... my face... on fire."

"It's barely singed."

"I can't feel my eyebrows."

"They'll grow back."

"WHAT?!"

"I'm just kidding. Now sit." He growled as she rubbed a bit more of the cream on his temple. "There. No major damage."

She picked up the smoking heap off the floor and tossed it into the trash. Of course, they had to send away the fire trucks that arrived three minutes later, but the house was finally clean.

"So... what now?"

"Hang on. I'm waiting for something to explode."

Rukia rolled her eyes and flipped on the TV. Ichigo stood in a desperate attempt to flee the intellectual black hole that was Chappy the bunny. An opening! Go! Go! Go! Go! "So..." he began. She flipped off the TV and regarded him coolly.

"So?"

"I was thinking maybe we could celebrate the end of this with a trip to Chappy Land." So much for escaping the intellectual black hole. _Idiot. _Then again, it was only Saturday. He probably wouldn't make it to Tuesday anyway.

But even if he absolutely had to, it couldn't be all bad. He was noticing more and more that when he said something that made Rukia happy, her whole face would light up. Not like it did when she was acting, but like he imagined real Rukia looked, underneath all the cutesy acting and vicious hollow slaying and really weird motherly instincts.

She looked much more like a girl and less like a homicidal gnome. "Really?" She was looking at him with those puppy dog eyes. Oh yeah. _Much_ more like a girl. A... pretty girl, actually. A pretty girl who was sitting... _very_ close to him.

_Thump. Thump._

"We could go on the Fluffy Bunny Express!" Okay, maybe it could be all bad. She crossed her arms and looked at her lap. "You lnow, I didn't... _mean_ to set your face on fire." Only Rukia could make an apology sound like an accusation.

"Yeah, yeah." He chanced another look at her. She was quite occupied with a tiny frayed edge of her skirt. She chased the thread around, her tongue sticking out slightly. _Thump. Thump._

He wondered why he felt as though his heart had sped up a bit. She was suddenly looking at him with curiosity. "Ichigo? What's wrong? You're face looks red."

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

"Nothing."

Naturally, the best way for Rukia to investigate was to move her face to within a hair's breadth of his. "I think you're sick. Do you feel ill?"

_Thump thump thump thump._

"N-no!"

She slapped the back of her hand onto his forehead. "You're burning up, Ichigo!"

He briefly considered reminding her that she had, in fact, set his face on fire, but that didn't seem to be the pressing issue. The pressing issue was her thigh _pressing_ against his leg.

_Thump thump thump thump thump._

Or not. The house was shaking. He moved for the window first. She appeared at his side. They both stared at the monstrosity.

Outside, a large mechanical robot was running down the street. "SATO SHIORI WILL HAVE HER REVENGE YET! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The robot leapt into the air and landed in front of Tatsuki's house, out of sight. There were several thuds, a bang, and the sound of scraping metal. The robot fell onto the street, then exploded.

And then the foundation of the Kurosaki home shattered. The house tilted.

Rukia looked at Ichigo. And then they looked at the kitchen. "I told you to put the egg on the counter, right?"

"Right."

"And now we're at an angle, right?"

"Right. Well, not really. It's more like ten degrees."

"So..."

_Crack._

"...Right."

/.end chapter

Endnotes: Okay, a cookie and ten points to anyone who got the geometry joke at the end there. That's right, math nerd, this one's for you.


	12. CI3: Life and Times of Mr Snuggly Buns

Who Cares Which Came First

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!**

By Isabella (The December Project)

_On the Writing of this Chapter_: Sitting with April in the middle of all of our stuff packed up for college, she said the following: "You suck for not writing the next chapter of chicken." Several days later, I got an email from an old friend saying about the same thing. I quickly realized that they were totally right. You guys have left the sweetest, most generous reviews and I should have been quicker (not that I think you're waiting with bated breath, but thanks for caring). Thanks for all your way too nice words and support.

I have fun with IshiHime, but sometimes they back me into a corner when I realize that I've written them with some... exaggerations. Also, I think Ishida comes off as a little bit gay. This is kind of inherent, but honestly, he's one of my favorite characters, I just think his mind works in a different way. This chapter took a really long time because of everything other than the story itself. I'm not totally happy with it, but the upcoming chapters should make up for that. Oh well. Have fun.

_On dedication: _This chapter to new parents (especially Kim), and especially those on their first kid, trying not to mess up.

_On you pressing the review button_: Would be appreciated to keep me on track. Otherwise, I'll forget and we'll have another seven month break between chapters. This is unacceptable. Yell at me!

_On the previous chapter:_ Some of you seem to have gotten the geometry joke, but I am going to school to be a teacher, so I'll explain to those who didn't. Let's recap and maybe you'll learn something. Dialogue: "...now we're at an angle, right?" "Right. Well, not really. It's more like ten degrees." Get it? Right angles are 90 degrees. 10 degrees is an acute angle... not a right. Okay, I'm a geek, but I embrace it. Enjoy some Ishihime funny-fluff...

* * *

Chapter XII: Ishida and Inoue - The Life and Times of Mr. Snuggly Buns  
or  
Parenting, I Reject! 

T-minus three days. It was Sunday. That meant Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday had to be survived before those little bastard eggs under the sink could go back to their rightful owner. Namely, Nomura. What happened after that was neither his business nor his concern.

Ishida was sitting on the couch in Orihime's home, trying to think of the fastest escape route. The problem was, he kept imagining Orihime's face if he just up and left. That was a... _minor_ problem in that he couldn't seem to motivate himself to get up. Lip stuck out, huge eyes sad. Ishida twitched. _Don't think about it. Have you no self-preservation?_ _Women are bad. _

Orihime pranced back into the room. Well, she pranced half the way, then slipped on the rug, then took a nosedive into the corner of the side table, then, in a tragic attempt to save the eggs, wailed them at the opposite wall. Ishida swore he heard each of the twelve individual cracks as the genocide was ended. He'd be concerned if he didn't know that Inoue Orihime was a human bouncy-ball.

Orihime was nursing a bump on her nose when she looked to the eggs. "Is Mr. Snuggly Buns okay, Ishida-kun?" Her voice was muffled by the rag he had given her in an attempt to keep blood off the carpet.

Ishida picked up the eggs and looked inside. Was that one still whole? ...No. Twelve for twelve. He put on his best smile... which ended up looking like the face he'd once made in the middle of a root canal. "They're all fine, Inoue-san," he ground out before heading towards the kitchen. "I'm just going to wash them off."

Once alone, Ishida briefly pondered why he hadn't just strangled his partner and been done with it. He came to several conclusions:

One. Even if he wanted to strangle Orihime he probably couldn't reach past her two most noticeable... assets.

Two. If he did manage to reach her throat, she'd still be grinning at him like a kitten... or a fluffy bunny... or a sweet, adorable little- focus. Orihime more or less oozed joy from every pore.

Three. A precious, pretty, funny little pixie who loved everyone in the world no matter what and coughed up happy unicorns and candy and was filled with gumdrops- stop. Okay, that's enough. She wasn't _that_ perfect.

Four. He needed a partner to get his A. And Ishida Uryuu always got his A.

Five. Yes. Yes she was that perfect.

Ishida dumped the ruined eggs and retrieved another full box. It was worth it. Good thing the real carton was-

"What's this under the sink?"

He turned and saw the eggs in her hands. Then he watched his home ec grade plummet through the floor and down into the deepest depths of hell where it became a grade darker than an F. It rose again as an F- and destroyed the entire world with its academia-melting lasers. Also, his father was there. And he was... disappointed. Ishida felt the urge to run to the closet to sob for the next few eons.

"Nothing."

"Why are these eggs under the sink?"

"They weren't."

"..."

"..."

"Okay!"

That solved problem one, but problem two was hurdling down upon him like a flaming comet.

"Guess what, Ishida-kun!"

"What?"

"I signed us up for parenting classes! We're going to have so much fun!"

_NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..._

...

"We're here! Ishida-kun? Ishida-kun!"

_...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

He looked up. A very maternal looking woman was standing in front of them. She wore a nametag, but he didn't bother to read it. "Ah, you must be Ishida Uryuu and Inoue Orihime... When are you proposing to her, dear?"

Ishida gulped down something very large and very dry in his throat and pasted on his best "indignant glare." Then, with a clear of his throat said, "Excuse me?"

The maternal woman's face fell. Then she scowled. Ishida thought she eerily resembled a large, angry balloon. "I see, so you're one of those men. How despicable. Leaving such a sweet girl on her own! Why I've never in all my life seen such a sorry excuse for a-"

"_Excuse me_, but we're not having a baby."

"That's not the only option! I can help you find an adoption agency! We can do this together!"

"I'm not having a baby." Orihime brandished her egg carton proudly. "This is the baby! His name is Mr. Snuggly Buns!" Naturally, Mr. Snuggly Buns had been named after the late Mr. Snuggly-Buns Senior, who had been long congealing in Orihime's freezer. Naturally.

The woman looked at her... then at Ishida. "Oh..." She smiled too sweetly. "Well, then you should consider yourself lucky."

Ishida wasn't wondering what that meant so much as whether or not Orihime would notice if he strangled this nasty, stuck-up, sorry excuse for a-

"Look, look! Mr Snuggly Buns wants to try that!" CPR practice. Perfect. The only thing that could have possibly been more efficient in breaking eggs would be the stand that taught you how to use your baby as a baseball for a quick game.

"Ah... Inoue-san..." He scratched his head, pondering how to give her a hint, but if Orihime had ever in her life understood something so subtle, the multiple head injuries had surely destroyed that function. Just last week, she fell down the flight of stairs to her apartment. Four times.

Now, she just stared at him brightly with the eyes of a really stupid raccoon. An adorable, fluffy- damn that girl. She made him want to grab her and... make really cute clothes for her... or something.

Crack. Smash. "Inoue-san!"

Ishida turned lazily toward the scene. Orihime was covered in egg. "We were doing interpretive dance!" she wailed pathetically.

Ishida escorted her to the bathroom, where he carefully took to helping her clean off the egg. It was only then that he noticed a very sticky Orihime smiling to herself. "It's not so bad Ishida-kun!"

No, no it wasn't so bad. At least she hadn't used the-

"I didn't want to break the eggs for the project, so I used the ones under the sink!" He could practically see her preening. He could practically feel his class rank as it dropped and crushed him into a miserable puddle on the ground. "Ishida-kun, don't cry! We still have Mr Snuggly Buns!"

She popped out a whole egg from... somewhere. It was suspiciously warm. _Don't think about it. Don't ask about it. Don't look._ Too late.

...

Bathroom floor, five and a half seconds later.

"Ishida-kun! Wake up!" Dizzy. She helped him back to his feet and frowned at him. "It'll be okay, really."

With big, wet eyes staring at him, there wasn't much he could do. He was stuck. He whipped a handkerchief out of his back pocket and swiped the last of his home ec project from her face. "Hmm. I'm sure it will be fine." And Ishida Uryuu smiled.

"See? We're going to have lots more fun... because tomorrow, we're all going visit the zoo!" And as fast as it had come, it was gone. T-minus two days.

/.end chapter

Endnotes: Awww. Did you enjoy? Let me know, as always.


	13. Intermission:Impossible part 1

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!  
**by Isabella (The December Project)

_On the writing of this chapter_: This was done quickly as a kind of down-time for our characters slash practice in insanity slash poor excuse for some fluff. And believe me, there will be fluff. Bwahahahaha. I know I said this was going to be short, but I got into it and it ended up being absurdly long. It's broken into two parts. It's kind of an apology for making you wait so long last time.

_On dedications_: This chapter to capybaras. Oh, how I love you, capybaras. You light up my life. Also, Sam helped out a lot with this chapter... thank you! And one more thing- repeat reviewers, I absolutely love you. Want to be best friends?

* * *

Chapter XIII: Intermission: Impossible part 1

"Seeing as this is your last full day of being responsible, useful human beings, I've decided to make your lives a living hell!" Nomura stalked up and back each aisle, on the hunt for anyone who still smelled of fear. At this point, most were resolved to their fates. Some had taken to glaring back at her. At this, no one flinched. So Nomura continued, back straight and eyes dark. "Yes, you will all get to know what dirty, back-stabbing, soulless jerks your partners really are..." A boy in the back of the room finally broke down. He stood, screamed, and took off at a dead sprint out the door. His partner groaned. Nomura continued. "Finally. I was afraid he'd wet his pants before he got out of here... You see? Men are weak, pathetic, cowardly, and lacking in self control... that's why I'm making you all take this highly experimental hallucinogen for your next project!"

"Wait. What?" Ichigo was struggling to follow the train of logic, rather than actually listening... which still qualified him as smarter than the next idiot to open his mouth.

"I think I should be excused." Renji. Poor, sweet Renji had no idea what he was about to do to himself.

"Oh? Why's that, Abarai?"

"I already know that my partner is a dirty, back-stabbing, soulless jerk."

Nomura walked up to him looking oddly calm. "Abarai?"

"Yes, ma'am? ...Can I ask why you're wearing that gas mask?"

She sprayed him in the eyes with something. Renji dropped to the floor. "No! No, Tatsuki! Not the spinning eye-gouge poke of doom! Anything but that!"

Coincidentally, at that moment, Tatsuki had decided to execute the spinning eye-gouge poke of doom in retaliation. Renji was mercifully knocked out.

"What... what is that?" Hinamori was looking at the canister carefully. It was probably a diversion so that Nomura could fake her own death and rule the high school! Why was everyone out to get her? It just wasn't fair- Nomura hit her with a spray of the stuff. Hitsugaya leapt out of his desk in time to get another. Face first into the floor.

"Oh my God, we're all gonna die!"

"Calm down Ishida-kun! It might be fun!"

"Tatsuki, stop beating Renji and pay attention! We're going to wildly run around and scream now!"

The students began to wildly run around and scream. Rukia took a full blast to the face. Instinctually, Ichigo took a last gasp of clean air, grabbed her, and drug her outside, the eggs under one arm. He stopped in the hallway... Should he go back?

It wouldn't be suspicious to any of the faculty that there were about thirty students screaming horribly in the next room. They'd been doing that on a regular basis for the past five school days. Also, the smoke was becoming commonplace. A janitor had asked Nomura to tone it down two days ago. He hadn't been seen since.

Something jogged him from his thoughts. Inside the room, someone was shrieking like a little girl. "Seriously, Ishida, calm down!"

Slowly, the home economics room went quiet. Ichigo laid Rukia in a deserted stairwell and returned to the classroom. Every desk with the exception of Ichigo's and Rukia's held a quietly studying student... Oh, except that Renji was still incapacitated on the floor. But that was normal, too.

He looked. Nomura was sitting lazily at the desk, playing with a gas mask and an air filtration system. She didn't seem to notice that they were gone.

Ichigo decided not to return. He'd have to sort out what that stuff was later... now, he had to get Rukia out.

.x.x.x.

Meanwhile

Hitsugaya sighed. Good thing he'd heroically jumped over the desk, tackled Nomura to the ground and saved Earth and Soul Society... and Hinamori. Kurosaki had just cried in the corner. Who was the big hero now? Wait... He had done that, hadn't he? Oh, well. Whatever had happened, he surely had looked good doing it. He'd taken a very manly bubble bath this morning. Now, he was standing outside, looking for said savee. "Hinamori?"

"Shiro-chan, Shiro-chan!" She sang out rhythmically. She was standing right in front of him. Oh. How the hell did he miss _that_? In any case, she was all right. _Shiro-chan?_

"Don't call me that," he corrected quickly.

"Shiro-chan! Shiro-chan!" More and more voices chimed in. Oh no... it was Shinigami Elementary School all over again! He couldn't take any more... and he'd forgotten his pants! Again! It really was just like school...

.x.x.x.

At that very moment...

"Shiro-chan! ...I wonder where he is." Hinamori wandered around the school parking lot. Naturally, Toushiro would be here sunning himself to a healthy burnt-cracker color. If his tanning oil didn't smell like death and the tears of angels, she might have joined him. If she was any paler she'd have perfect camouflage for winter in Soul Society. "Shiro-chan!"

"Don't worry, Hinamori! I've decided that rather than killing you, I'll make you my second in command."

She could hear him, but she couldn't see him. "Where are you?"

"Right here!"

"Where?"

"Look left."

"I don't see anything."

"Really? Oh, hold on a second." Clunk. Thump. Thump. "Is that better?" On a stepstool behind the nearest car was her second worst nightmare... Toushiro was maniacally laughing. He had already conquered the parking lot, turning the happy little cars into minions of destruction.

"No! Don't give into the evil!" It was so unfair. Everybody she liked just _had_ to go and turn evil. This was such a rip off. She was going to start making friends with ice cream cones. Then, at least it would be easy to defeat them when they tried to take over the world... and yummy.

"Not only have I decided to become the evil overlord of this parking lot..." Hinamori watched her worst fears materialize... "I brought you- a puppy and some flowers! Bwahahahahahaha!"

"Nooooooo! You don't know how terrible my allerg-achoo! No! Please don't! Achoo! MY SINUSES!"

.x.x.x.

Approximately .5 seconds later and almost at the same time...

Renji was relatively sure of the fact that he'd broken his float bladder. What, how do you think they jump from roof to roof like that? Kangaroo DNA? So anyway... he was almost sure about that float bladder. It was a sure somewhere between "I know I am wearing pink polka dot boxers today" and "I think aye-ayes live on the east coast of Madagascar." At least that sure.

But even more than the pink polka dot boxers, he was sure that it was somehow Tatsuki's fault. It usually was, at least for the past week.

_'What are you doing just sitting around? Go do something useful. I need you to walk to the nearest intersection and throw yourself in front of a car. Hurry, while there's traffic!'_

_'Abarai, you've got the intellectual capacity of a walnut and the fashion sense of a gutter rat.'_

_'Get me some bleach, I feel like I need to wash my eyes after seeing you.'_

_'You left your permanent marker in the bathroom. I knew you weren't man enough for real tattoos.'_

_'Take a bath or something, you smell like a dead squirrel's track shoe.'_

Oh, yeah. She totally had the hots for him.

Not that he could blame her. He was one drop-dead gorgeous hunk of man-meat.

"Abarai!"

He recognized that voice. Turning, he saw Tatsuki. She kicked him in the face. Awesome. It was as good as a confession... and the shoeprint on his jaw would last longer than some stupid chocolate.

"I have to tell you something..." She blushed. "I..."

"Yes?"

"I... I'm running away with Ichigo. I love him so much! Thank you for your blessing!"

Renji fell to his knees. "Another one? Seriously? I mean, come on! What kind of pheromones is that guy spewing?"

And then Ichigo was beside him, patting his head with a pitiful expression. "Don't worry, Renji. Even though I'm eloping with Tatsuki..." Where was that music coming from? "IIIIIIII... will always looooove you-ooo."

_Please kill me, please kill me, please kill me._

.x.x.x.

Probably at around then...

Tatsuki had ignored the nightmarish world completely and gone home. She didn't know what had happened to anyone, but they'd probably be fine. Whatever it was causing chaos and destruction, Ichigo could kick its ass, Ishida could protect Orihime from it-

.x.x.x.

Happening for a long time prior to, but also during all those other times...

Ishida was still screaming like a five year old girl.

.x.x.x.

-and wherever the hell Abarai was, it probably couldn't penetrate his ridiculously thick skull. So, there wasn't really anything amiss with what was going on. So she flipped on the TV.

"Chaos and destruction reign in Toky-"

"-absolute bedlam-"

"-are asking, 'is this the apocalypse?' Find out at-"

"-cans of Spam falling from the heavens onto unsuspecting-"

"-see behind me, there's a very large spider monkey-"

"Tonight's new episode of 'As the Days of All My General Hospital's Children Turn Restless' will be canceled in order to bring you breaking updates on the end of the world."

"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!"

.x.x.x.

Also just about at that time... this story has an awful lot of characters...

Orihime was joyfully prancing through fields of flowers when-

"It's me, Orihime..." Aizen leapt out of a particularly lovely hydrangea. "I've come to take you back to Hueco Mundo, where we will not have any flowers and joy is forbidden! Doom! Destruction! Other icky things!" He brushed back his creepy, oily locks.

Orihime looked at him. Blinked twice. "Oh, hi!"

"_Hi_? I've come to attack and kidnap you, and you say 'hi'?" The obviously put-out villain frowned.

Orihime grinned. "Do you want a daisy crown? I made two. This one's for Ishida-kun, but you can have mine!"

Aizen stared at her. Blinked. He took the daisy crown, and then began to sob miserably. "All I ever wanted was a daisy chain! And my daddy wouldn't- he wouldn't let me! I just want to wear pretty flowers!"

"There, there. That's all any of us want." Orihime sympathetically patted his back. "And to have a Gundam."

"I don't wanna be evil any more! I wanna wear flowers!"

"Yay!"

...as if any hallucinogen would be able to keep up with Orihime's imagination.

.x.x.x.

And finally...

"Rukia, wake up." Ichigo was holding onto her, the only other victim to escape the slaughter. She was just coming to after getting some fresh air. "Rukia!"

"Hmmf?" She couldn't quite get her eyes open. Rukia was presently hanging off his arm, stumbling forward beside him without ever really balancing on her feet. She looked somewhat amused that she couldn't get her legs under her. She giggled. "Ishigo..."

"We should be okay here." Ichigo pointed to a bench a few feet away. "Just sit," he ordered quietly. She obliged. She was too dizzy and sick from the drug to argue.

She turned her big eyes on him and examined him carefully. She seemed to be having trouble focusing on him, and the way she was trying so hard to meet his eye was actually cute. She fought it out. "Ichigo."

"What?"

"Ichigo."

"What is it?"

"Ichigo..." She gave him a lopsided smile. "You're pretty."

He rolled his eyes. "Rukia... you're pretty out of it."

She was ditzy and completely not herself, but he couldn't help taking a good look at her. Those big wet eyes and silly smile were directed just at him. She was as beautiful as ever. He could feel her hand on his. It was small and soft and white, just like always. Her tiny body was pressed against his again. He could hear her breathing softly as she stared at him. And her lips were suddenly parted slightly, set in a serious frown.

He watched her try to steady herself by grabbing his sleeve. "You're a good daddy, Ichigo."

"Is that so?" He couldn't really help it. He dropped his hand onto her wobbly head and craned his neck to look at her. "Why's that?"

"Cause... cause... Chappy III told me so." She stuck her lip out and he fought back a smile. She had no idea what was going on. He wasn't sure whether he was going to blackmail her with this or pretend it had never happened.

"I see. Well, you're not a bad mommy yourself."

She grinned, self-satisfied. "I know."

"Did Chappy III tell you that, too?"

"Nah... I jus' trust you..." She giggled again, dropped her heavy head onto his arm. "Ichigo..."

"What?" He was trying not to get so excited over one stupid girl falling on top of him. It was just Rukia. Just Rukia, with her small, soft hands and her petite little body and her silky black hair and her perfect lips and...

"Ichigo... aren't you going to kiss me?"

/.to be continued...

Endnotes: Can you imagine Ichigo's face? 0.o'


	14. Intermission:Impossible part 2

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!  
**by Isabella (The December Project)

_On the writing of this chapter_: Well, school is here again and I typed much of this from my dorm room, enjoying a nice hot cup of chicken ramen... except that I forgot forks. Anyway, this time I'm giving you two for one, so remember to leave a review for me. There are only a few chapters left, so enjoy!

_On you pressing the review button:_ If I can reach 100 reviews for this, it will make my year. Would you please leave something short and sweet for me? I'd really appreciate it. If you are ":)"ing or "lol"ing or even "roflmao"ing, let me know.

* * *

Chapter XIV: Intermission: Impossible (part 2)

Thud.

There was a draft where his pants used to be.

At that moment, Hitsugaya realized something. His partner had been making a concerted effort to tease him a little less around "the kids." How it would affect those kids at all, he didn't know, but the real Hinamori wouldn't be making fun of him... or his pantslessness. He looked at her for another second. Nope, not real. He knew that whatever had created this strange perversion of Hinamori hadn't done it quite right. Her cheeks were pinker, her eyes were deeper, and her voice was lighter. She was way better at coming up with insults. And she'd probably give him her own pants if he was without them. That was just the way she was.

Also, she was pale as death. The girl should tan more.

He shook himself awake.

Classroom.

Nomura looked up at him as he came flying at her with the fury of ten thousand bunny rabbits. "Hitsugaya Toushiro... pass."

.x.x.x.

"ACHOO!"

Hinamori cried as the allergen-producing big-eyed killing machines known as "puppies" surrounded her. She looked up at the cause- her partner, Hitsugaya, Toushiro, her dear little Shiro-chan.

He'd become a power-hungry jerk. Wait, when had that happened? Sure he was vain and annoying and stupid and short and had a bad temper and ate gross foods and was tan like a burnt cracker and bleached his hair white and took eight hour long baths and...

.x.x.x.

Renji watched his partner and the idiot strawberry and his other ten admirers skip off into the distance holding hands and giggling. He was all alone... But then...

"Abarai."

Sweet, merciful lord... Byakuya was walking toward him. And then, in a completely monotone voice that may have been filled with longing, he declared, "Leap into my arms, Abarai. I have always loved you." Who was he to argue?

But as he snuggled with his weirdly affectionate captain, he realized something was maybe perhaps wrong... possibly. No, it wasn't this cuddlefest. Renji realized that his pure, unbridled sexuality could seduce both men and women. It was the tattoos. Even Byakuya couldn't resist.

The problem was Tatsuki... She hated everyone equally. That was what made her wonderful... if wonderful meant "a crazy psychotic bitch with no real personal attachments and a lust for blood." At least she didn't discriminate. So this wasn't right. It was actually all wrong...

He had his face in the floor. Oh. That was okay. He looked up. There was a little white thing wrapped around Nomura's face. It might have been chewing on her head. Oh. That was okay. It was just Toushiro. He picked up a chair and decided to join in.

"Abarai Renji... pass."

.x.x.x.

...and smelled funny and had a gigantic head, but Shiro-chan wasn't like that. He'd never take over a parking lot for his own selfish gain.

So when she woke up, Hinamori was convinced that he was strangling Nomura with his legs for the sake of justice. "Go, Shiro-chan! Go!"

"Hinamori Momo... pass."

.x.x.x.

Tatsuki woke up because she got sick of her stupid dream. Seeing violence occurring, she was happy to help. "Hey, Abarai- hand me a leg of that chair."

He broke off a leg and handed it to her.

"Thanks."

"Arizawa Tatsuki... pass."

.x.x.x.

Ishida finally had to take a breath in the middle of his five year old girl scream. At that moment, he realized that Orihime might need him. And he was just standing around screaming. His pride! His honor! His vocal chords! He woke up.

"Ishida Uryuu... pass."

.x.x.x.

As Aizen and Orihime sat making daisy crowns for the rest of the class, Orihime remembered something. "Wait... you're allergic! That's why there aren't flowers in your doomy-lair of doom!"

"I became unallergic!" he whined.

"Oh. Okay." She completed another chain.

"Orihime, you should stay here forever. We can be bestest friends. It'll be awesome. What do you say, Hime-chan?"

Orihime though about this. "Hmm ...Okay, Ai-kun! But I want to invite Ishida, too. He likes making pretty things. Just a few days ago, he made me little pouches for my babies. I bet he'd be the best at making daisy chains!"

Aizen crossed his arms and pouted. "But he's so boring..."

Orihime stood up and dropped her flowers. "If you don't want to be friends with Ishida, then we can't be bestest friends, either! Also, I just remembered that you're totally evil. And when we made daisy chains in Hueco Mundo, you just set them on fire!"

"Umm... I didn't mean to?" Aizen shrugged.

"You're a jerk!"

The force of Orihime's foot hitting Aizen's- well, it was enough to startle her awake.

She looked around. "Ishida!" He glanced at her and adjusted his glasses.

He cleared his throat just before she tackled him in a hug. "Yesh, hello, Inoue. Wouljyou be kind enough to tell me whach's going on ere?" He was muffled by her chest in his face.

"I was making the prettiest daisy chains with Aizen, and he just loves pretty flowers, Ishida, but then he said we should be bestest friends, and then he said you were boring so I kicked him like this- Oh! Sorry, Ishida!"

Ishida whimpered and dropped to the floor.

"Inoue Orihime... pass."

"Hey, where does that voice keep coming from?" Reji had ceased beating his teacher in the face with the three remaining legs of his chair.

"Rip her to shreds, Shiro! Put a little jaw in it!" Hinamori paused briefly to ponder this. "Hmm... Not her?" She pointed at Nomura's chair, filled with a life sized blowup substitute teacher.

"Now that's just uncalled for."

"Oh. Oops." Tatsuki pulled her single chair leg out of the doll's stomach. It deflated.

"Where is she?"

They all looked around, until someone noticed something else. "Hey, Ichigo and Rukia are gone, too!"

.x.x.x.

_Aren't you going to kiss me?_

"What did you say?" Ichigo found himself staring at Rukia. He couldn't get his jaw closed.

"I said... I want you to kiss me, Ichigo." She said it authoritatively. Like she would any time she was demanding something. She leaned in, her eyes sharp. Her hand slowly wrapped around his arm. Her fingers were long and thin. He hadn't noticed before.

And her eyelashes were so long. And her irises were so deep. And she was so close. If he just moved the slightest bit, they'd be...

"Rukia..." He was careful to pull back a little. She leaned in, batting her eyes at him sincerely. He stopped. She stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. And it clicked. "You're not Rukia."

"What?"

"I'm sayin' she wouldn't do that, so back off!"

Pop. The hallway span around him for a brief moment. Then, into focus came the most horrible, terror-inducing spawn of satan he'd ever encountered. "Kurosaki Ichigo... pass."

"What?"

"You pass the Home Ec test. I mean, I didn't really want it, but the board demanded some kind of test," Nomura mused.

"So you poisoned us?"

"That's about right... yeah." She nodded. "But don't worry, you passed. Now, she's not doing as well."

_Rukia_. He scrambled to look for her. Sure enough, she was curled up next to him, her eyes screwed shut. He shook her. "Hey, Rukia! Get up!"

She snapped awake. "Kuchiki Rukia... pass." Nomura checked another name off the list. "Well, that was no fun."

"Knock it off!"

Rukia looked at her partner and then turned away. "What- where-?" She was dizzy.

"It's okay. Let's just all get to the hospital and get this freaky crap out of our systems."

"Don't be a wuss. You'll be fine, Kurosaki," the teacher snapped. "You're all right, aren't you?"

"How should I know? You probably made me some weird minion of darkness or something, I mean I don't even kno-"

Rukia's hand was clutching his arm again. She didn't look entirely well. "That's an unusual side-effect. You should take her to the nurse, Kurosaki."

"What the hell did you do to her?"

"Stop running your mouth and start running your feet." He stared at her. Blink. "Less talky, more walky." Blink. Blink. "Damn it, Kurosaki, get a move on!"

.x.x.x.

Rukia seemed better off after lying down. "Oh, Ichigo... the chickens. The huge chickens! Big as houses! And hungry!"

"Calm down," he ordered quietly. "Are you all right?"

"I believe so..."

"What were you...?"

"Oh, nothing really." Rukia turned over abruptly, pulling the covers over her head to hide a tiny blush. _A little house of her own where she could cook and clean and watch her egg-babies grow into giant chickens... with an idiot strawberry at her side._

Crack.

"What was that?"

"Oh, hell."

"What were you doing with Chappy I?"

"He insisted on coming with us."

"Ichigo, you- oh, forget it."

/.end chapter

Endnotes: That's the end of Intermission: Impossible. Next chapter, Byakuya comes to visit. Dun dun DUN! Expect it tomorrow or Friday.


	15. The Ice Princess Cometh

**Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!  
**by Isabella (The December Project)

_On the writing of this chapter_: I've been holding back for a long time now. I've been maintaining my composure. I've been... Oh, hell. I'm officially a stupid, salivating Bya-fangirl. Also, me and Bya are as yet undefeated on Shattered Blade! But giving me a Wii and a means to be violent was not my mother's greatest plan. I have slaughtered many challengers and my right arm is now buff. Oh well. By the way, this is how I think Bya must think much of the time. I mean, we all know it's not easy to maintain our youthful skin and girlish figure. It takes effort!

_On dedications_: This chapter to siblings, older and younger, brother and sister. Especially to my younger sisters, Em-nee and "Narutard" Ria.

_On you pressing the review button_: Trying to get to 100. We're at 90 as of now. Come on guys! Help me out! This will be my first story ever to hit that mark. Please? Everybody that has reviewed so far, thank you muchly!

_On me owning Bleach_: You get this by now, right?

* * *

Chapter XIV: The Ice Princess Cometh  
or  
Twelve and a Half Seconds to Feng Shui and Smoother Skin

It was the last bit they had left... just tonight with the stupid eggs and tomorrow when they were turned in. Four o'clock... Hours sliding by until he could finally relax.

Having exhausted his last reserves of sanity, Ichigo sat on the couch by himself, letting his brain melt as Chappy sang and danced across from him. Rukia had run upstairs to practice Zen and mentally prepare herself for this, the newest Chappy episode. After a six hour marathon, Ichigo felt the need to prepare himself a noose. But at least things were quiet. Rukia had put the "kids" to bed a while ago.

There was a knock at the door. Ichigo flung it open, expecting to find an unwelcome visitor. His expectations were completely right. Except it was less like an unwelcome visitor and more like a flaming messenger of hell coming to tell him that his firstborn was about to be abducted and his head was to be immediately relocated to its permanent home six feet under the Sahara and the rest of him would be ground into bite-sized meatballs to be tortured at a later date. Except... it was worse.

Ichigo's heart slowed to a stop. He died for twenty seconds. Then the shock revived him only to completely kill what little scraps of hope he had ferreted away for a dark day such as this one.

Usually, a visit from an ice princess would be considered good luck. "Kurosaki?"

"What are you doing here?" Ichigo backed into the house. The seething mass of doom followed him in, ushering in the fires of hell. It was like a really pretty volcano oozing forth hatred. And it was sitting on his couch looking distastefully at a preview for next week's Chappy the Bunny show.

Obviously, a love of fluffy bunnies didn't run in the family. Kuchiki Byakuya stared at the frumpy couch which was obviously cowering before his mind-numbing sexiness and said with a flourish, "Kurosaki Ichigo, I've come to kill you."

_There is a God!_ But then he realized... if he was dead, he couldn't do all the things he wanted to do after this damned project was finally over. Like kill Rukia. So Ichigo stood his ground."What? Why now?"

"Hitsugaya was kind enough to inform me that my sister has... twelve of your children."

"Actually, we're down to three... I mean... wait, no. Listen." Crap. _Ichigo's First Note to Self: Kill Hitsugaya Toushiro slowly, painfully, and mercilessly. _

"It appears I have underestimated you humans in virility _and _cannibalism." Byakuya was not amused. But... Byakuya had not _been_ amused for many years. Tragically, he was born without a funny bone. Instead, a grumpy bone had grown. And that grumpy bone was demanding that Ichigo be torn limb from limb. "Did you at least propose? I will not have an unwed mother in the Kuchiki household."

"No! It's just a-"

"So you don't care about her?"

"Of course I do!" Oops. Time to shut up.

"I see. So you're only interested in one thing, is that it?"

"No! We're not... doing _that_."

"I am not so much concerned what you are doing, Kurosaki. It is who you are doing it with that troubles me..."

"Rukia and I are not doing _anything_!"

"Why? Do you find something about her distasteful?"

"No! We're just not... like that!"

"Oh good. Then she won't mind so much when I kill you."

No Kon. No Rukia. No means of defending himself. Ichigo backed up slowly... right over the couch and into a heap on the floor.

Luckily, help was on the way. At the first chime of the Chappy theme music, Rukia had been roused like a zombie from the dead and was about to violently rush the television, murdering anything that got in her way.

"Ichigo! Your head is in the way! Move it or I will _re_move it!" She stopped. Something was not quite right. No. Everything was not, as Chappy would say, "happy-fun-erific."

An escaped mental hospital patient who appeared to be Ichigo's identical twin was backed into the couch, slowly melting into a pile of man jell-O. A sword-wielding serial murderer who appeared to be Byakuya's identical twin had a blade at the psycho's throat.

Oh. That was okay. "Take it outside. I'm going to watch TV."

"Rukia!" She looked at... oh, wait, that was actually Ichigo. Who else could make a face that stupid?

And that probably meant that it was actually... oh hell. She fell down the stairs. She briefly considered walking back up and trying to fall harder next time. With some luck, she would wake up in the land of Oz... or in her bed with some kind of awful hangover...

"N-n-n-n-nii-sama!"

"Rukia. Your conduct is unacceptable for a Kuchiki."

Ichigo stood. "Now, wait a minute! She hasn't done anything wrong. I tried to tell you, there's nothing-" Sword. Pokey. Ow.

"Byakuya Nii-sama, what has this stupid human done now?" She looked a little more nervous than she sounded.

"I wish to see my nieces and nephews to determine which is most fit to be a Kuchiki."

"Neices and nephews? ...Oh! Nii-sama, I don't think-"

"_Rukia. _Get the damn kids. Now." Ichigo obviously did not much appreciate being at the business end of a blade without Zangetsu nearby. The pound of shoes accompanied Rukia up the stairs.

Byakuya sat down on the couch. His hair, spun of the silks of angels, always seemed to be flowing behind him like some invisible industrial fan was always blowing in front of him. Ichigo briefly wondered what conditioner he used. Probably juice squeezed out of baby unicorns. Only he could make a baby unicorn terrifying.

Meanwhile, Byakuya contemplated the irrationally uncomfortable couch he was sitting on. Why would someone make something like this? The piece of inferior Kurosaki furniture was obviously still in awe of his sexiness. He wasn't surprised. But he figured even a hideous couch (with even more hideous pink flowers on it) deserved to feel the magical royal touch of a captain's rear every once in a while, and his, he imagined, was particularly royal. Speaking of the hideous couch, who in the world did the Kurosaki's interior decorating? Mayuri?

"Moldings."

"What?" Ichigo obviously wasn't following.

"You need to put in moldings. And warmer colors. It looks like a prison. It is unacceptable. And a steam treatment."

"What are you-"

"The carpet, Kurosaki. I thought even you would understand that. And have you never heard of curtains?"

"We have curtains, they're-"

"Those are blinds, Kurosaki. They are the curtains of the weak. Be a man. Buy curtains."

Rukia reappeared and offered the eggs to her brother, who stopped threatening a very confused Ichigo long enough to let the substitute shinigami breathe.

Byakuya looked over the eggs. "This is not what I am accustomed to. Usually, two people must-"

"They're not babies!" Ichigo had his arms folded and had managed to stand next to Rukia, who seemed to be developing a rare sweating disease and a bit of a twitch. Ichigo wasn't particularly fond of the effect her brother had on her. "It's a project."

"I see. Rukia, is this project being completed satisfactorily?"

"Yes, Nii-sama!"

"Very well. I shall inform Soul Society that your horrible, round offspring pose no threat to the clan."

"Hey!" Ichigo stared down the captain. "They may be horrible, round offspring, but they're _our_ horrible, round offspring!" In a panic, Rukia had grabbed the nearest body part to her- which happened to be his arm- and began crushing it into dust.

Kuchiki Byakuya, mighty master of interior decorating, raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Oh?" He lifted one of the eggs out of its place in the carton. Rukia squeezed her partner's sleeve a little harder. Ichigo was preparing to make a break for it, so he could catch the fragile little egg.

"No! Bya-chan! My baby!"

The lord of the baby unicorns looked surprised. "Rukia, this... thing is...?"

"Named after you, Byakuya-nii-sama. He looks like you!"

Byakuya begged to differ, but it was particularly shiny... and pure white... and at least it had fewer bumps than those other ugly eggs. That cracked, grayish one in the corner was at least twice as attractive as Kurosaki. "This one is acceptable," he announced and he handed it back to Rukia.

Ichigo stared at it.

"Pick your jaw up off the floor, Kurosaki. It's unbecoming."

Ichigo chose to ignore him, and continued to bask in awe. "It... it didn't break!"

Rukia handed him the egg for inspection. At that moment, the tiny egg was tragically thrust into the brilliant glow of Byakuya's glory. Upon seeing the greatest gift ever bestowed upon mankind, it promptly exploded... all over everything.

Rukia sniffed. Ichigo stared. Byakuya wiped egg yolk out of his eye.

And then the young mother deflated. "Oh, Bya-chan..."

Ichigo glared at her brother, having no idea why such a thing had just happened, but assuming it was a Kuchiki's fault. He then proceeded to begrudgingly offer Rukia a tissue. She took it and blew her nose loudly.

Byakuya watched silently as the boy gently patted her back. "Oi, Rukia... It's not that bad... Look we still have... Chappy III and Shiro, and... look, Rukia! Even little Norman is okay."

"Even little Norman? But he looks sick, Ichigo. I'm worried."

"Then we'll have my dad look at him tomorrow, okay?"

She nodded.

Byakuya turned for the door. "Kurosaki! You will complete this project in a satisfactory way... and you will continue to raise those... things to the best of your ability."

"What the hell do you think I've been trying to do?"

"Very well. I will monitor your progress."

"Understood, Nii-sama." Rukia tossed her tissue into the trash and saw him to the door while Ichigo stayed behind to clean the yolk off the floor.

As Byakuya walked out of the house, he pondered two things: The first was how Rukia and that uncouth boy had become so particularly close without his knowing. The second was were he might get more of this goop that was on his face. He could already feel his pores shrinking. Maybe he should encourage the two to have more of those things...

On second thought, a nice exfoliating moisturizer would do just as well.

/.end chapter

Endnotes: Next time: A wild Renji appears! Select: Fight. Run. Pokeball. Poke with a stick. A crazy sandal hat entrepreneur appears! Select: Fight. Run. Pokeball. Give black kitty. You don't want to miss this. (Disclaimer: you may want to miss this as it is an offense to every other serious fanfic ever written.)

Please leave me a review. I will love you forever.


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